Emily blows minds, makes cuts on 'The Bachelorette'
June 19th, 2012
11:37 AM ET

Emily blows minds, makes cuts on 'The Bachelorette'

Monday's episode of "The Bachelorette" brought Emily and the eight remaining contestants to Croatia, which our heroine seemed to suggest was like being in another country. (She wasn't picked for this for her mind, folks.)

As for the men, they were also happy to be in Croatia, even though they probably couldn't find the country on a map. If you asked them Croatia's top export, they'd probably say NBA three-point specialists.

Travis from Mississippi had the first one-on-one date, and he put on his best plaid for a day in Dubrovnik. Emily described Dubrovnik as being neither West Virginia nor Mississippi. If there's a "Department of Common Sense" position open, she may be able to fill the post.

The two went to something called the "Balancing Stone," where you'll fall in love if you can stand on the stone and take off your shirt or jacket.

Travis got on the stone but didn't take off his shirt, which disappointed Emily. She wanted to know what was under his shirt, which makes me think she skipped high school health class to go shopping.

The two then had dinner at some random wall surrounded by candles, which Travis called "freakin' awesome." Clearly, he is now show material.

But Emily didn't think so, as she said that she didn't see "romance" in their relationship. Travis got the boot, bringing the number of contestants down to seven.

Then we were on to the group date, which started with Emily and six of the men (two of them wearing plaid!) taking in a movie. Given that "The Bachelorette" airs on a network owned by Disney, they were of course watching the new Disney/Pixar movie "Brave."

And since the movie is set in Scotland, the six men had to compete in their own "Highland games" to celebrate Scottish culture. Of course, they also had to wear kilts. As the noted philosopher "Rowdy" Roddy Piper once noted, real men wear kilts.

At game time, the six men, who arrived on donkeys, competed in three events. Sean seemed to be the strongest competitor, as he broke his Caber toss log after throwing it. "Bobblehead" Chris, on the other hand, struggled in all three events, highlighted by him completely missing his target in archery. Nevertheless, Emily gave Chris a rose as well as a stein for being the most "brave."

With seven of the eight men at the start of the episode having already gone on dates, the second individual date of the week was to go to the final competitor. That man was Ryan, the Georgia sports trainer who annoyed the other guys with his oozing self-confidence while confusing Emily with his combination of romance and male chauvinism.

Ryan prepared for his date by trimming his whiskers from a five o'clock shadow to about a three o'clock. He also grabbed a pair of turquoise shoes that looked quite hideous. Those were shoes that Cousin Eddie from "National Lampoon's Vacation" would give to family as gifts.

Ryan also took out at least one plaid shirt, which confirms to me that the show must have a dress code that requires one plaid-related outfit per contestant at a minimum.

The date didn't go so well, as Ryan presented Emily with a list of 12 things he expects from his wife (I believe No. 12 was, "not falling asleep when reading lists that cure insomnia"). Emily said that having the "perfect family" was No. 1 for her, and that was nowhere to be found on Ryan's list.  Therefore, Ryan wasn't getting a rose.

Because he didn't see that coming, Ryan then devoted the next 20 minutes or so to pleading his case, throwing out romance movie clichés and generally behaving like a dork. All this time, their dinner is getting cold. Does anyone actually finish a meal on these dates?

After Ryan finally left, the other men watched in joy as a random crew member removed Ryan's suitcase from their suite. As you might expect, the six remaining men celebrated Ryan's departure in typical "Bachelorette" fashion  - by sitting around and calmly discussing how happy they were. These guys are always ready to paint the town beige.

At the cocktail party, Emily knew she wanted to keep four of the men around another week - Chris, Sean, Arie and Jef with one "f" - so either Doug the real estate agent or John (who I still won't call "Wolf") had to go.

She looked at the positives and negatives of both. Although Doug got the first impression rose, their relationship had been stuck in neutral for the past few weeks. And as for John, seeing that he averages about one sentence an episode, Emily might've just realized he was even in the competition.

But after all of that, she still couldn't decide who should go. That left just one person who could resolve this crisis - your friend and mine, Chris Harrison.

Chris told Emily that she's free to do what she wants since this show doesn't have any rules (well, at least he's admitting what we already presumed). She did just that on Monday, choosing to keep all six remaining competitors.

Next week, Emily and the guys will go to Prague, where there will be more romance and "man tears."  Plus, the show admits what "Bachelor" blogger "Reality Steve" has been telling us for weeks - that Arie had a relationship with one of the show's producers before being cast for this season.

What did you think of last night's "Bachelorette" episode? Let us know in the comments or with an iReport.

soundoff (12 Responses)
  1. J

    hilarious article, AMAZING portrayal of the bachelorette.

    June 27, 2012 at 3:01 pm | Report abuse |
  2. Kelley

    Horrific article. I'm not sure how you got a job with CNN.

    June 25, 2012 at 11:38 am | Report abuse |
  3. Tracy P

    Why would you pick a guy who had the in on the show??? Sounds as though Arie is looking for free media hmmm maybe some sponsors??? And why would she ever go for another race car driver after losing her love and her baby daddy Ricky Hendrick??
    Jeff or Sean!!!!
    No Chris No Arie!

    June 24, 2012 at 11:58 am | Report abuse |
  4. George bush

    All you people suck and the chick on this show takes it up the ass.

    June 23, 2012 at 1:57 pm | Report abuse |
  5. Mike

    I'm confused. I thought one had to be of (at least) legal age to participate in these Reality Dating/Mating shows. Equally applied to males and females, I am yet to see anyone who has the maturity of a six-year old. And yes, that does include Emily. Judging by her own comments, it becomes apparent that what she's looking for in a Man is something considerably less mature than a grown Man.

    June 21, 2012 at 8:52 am | Report abuse |
  6. Nancy.Bryan

    Just because you don"t like the show maybe other people do, if you don"t like it then don"t watch it and stop commenting on it. Plain and simple! Reply to Central Scrutinizer your just a pig to even say something like that on a post, who would even think that, can tell where your mind is (gutter) and in reply to Marion Haste, why would he commit suicide? When you post don"put "we" speak for your self. There is alot of people out there that like the show, where do you get HIGH MAINTENANCE from? Just because she"s thin,pretty and dresses nice.You sound like the kind that crawls out of bed in the morning doesn"t wash, doesn"t comb your hair just waddles over to your computer and sits ther all day and comments on everthing you read.Pull your head out of your A.HOLE and do something with your life and leave other people alone. I feel better now that I said what I had to say to you"s two, I got a life and a job so ta ta for now.

    June 20, 2012 at 11:19 am | Report abuse |
  7. Central Scrutinizer

    she should raise her skirt, see who gives the best head, and call it a day. go home.

    June 19, 2012 at 9:12 pm | Report abuse |
  8. RZ70

    I don't actually watch the show (for the sake of this post it sounds as plausible of a plot device as taking the U.S.' least likely world citizens on a global tour looking for love), but I've gathered that the premise is try to bring together people whose only personality traits can be described as train wrecks (not because of the carnage but because you can't look away) and get two of them to pair off?
    Did I get it right?

    June 19, 2012 at 3:51 pm | Report abuse |
  9. dayla

    The article got what Emily said on the date with Ryan wrong. Emily never said that having a perfect family was No. 1 She said she wanted a loving family. In fact what she didn't like about the list was that he was asking for a woman to be too perfect and she couldn't live up to that. If you're going to make fun of the show at least get your facts right.

    June 19, 2012 at 2:03 pm | Report abuse |
  10. YawnBoring

    Why does CNN report on this? No one cares. Srsly.

    June 19, 2012 at 1:32 pm | Report abuse |
  11. Rod in Dallas TX

    Please make this show and The Bachelor go away. It is a waste of time because they NEVER stay together after the show anyway. I used to love listening to Kidd Kraddick in the morning on my way to work but now it seems my entire commute is spent listening to them yack about this stupid show. I've had enough and changed radio stations. Please cancel this show. IT SUCKS!

    June 19, 2012 at 12:52 pm | Report abuse |
  12. Marion Haste

    HIGH MAINTENANCE. Are we sure her husband did not commit suicide?

    June 19, 2012 at 12:48 pm | Report abuse |

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