'The Bachelorette' heads to Bermuda
June 5th, 2012
12:25 PM ET

'The Bachelorette' heads to Bermuda

While watching Monday night's episode of "The Bachelorette," I imagined what the "Bachelor" franchise would have looked like if it premiered back in 1976.

For starters, Richard Dawson probably would've been tapped to participate. The game show host and actor, who died Saturday night at age 79, was TV's "Kissing Bandit" on "Family Feud," smooching all the female contestants during the show's original 1976-1985 run. I could imagine him bringing his wit and charm to the manor, adding class to a show that sorely lacks it sometimes. Thanks for the memories, Richard.

Back in today's time, "The Bachelorette" started with a big announcement from Chris Harrison, who was wearing a shirt so purple and plaid that I'm surprised he wasn't the nerdiest Prince fan on the planet.

The big news was that Emily was taking the 13 remaining contestants to Bermuda ... because nothing prepares you for parenting quite like island hopping for kicks and giggles.

Doug the realtor and charity founder had a one-on-one date with Emily, and he was so nervous that Arie the race car driver called him out on it. (This led to dopey, pointless tension between the two.)

Emily took Doug to the town of St. George for a day of sightseeing and shopping. We know by now that it doesn't take much to impress Emily - she'd get excited if Doug said he liked khaki shorts - and she was delighted by the fact that Doug founded a charity.

They went to dinner at a place that had more wine than Ben Flajnik's vineyard, and Emily asked Doug about his imperfections. His proud response was that an ex got upset at him for not washing her car. OK, then...

Emily listed her faults as being sensitive, stubborn and prone to wearing pajamas in public. So, basically she's a first-year college student short on laundry money.

After the dumbest conversation in "Bachelorette" history, Emily gave the rose to Doug, who told the camera that if Emily wanted a kiss, she'd have to let him know. This show desperately needs to give muzzles to people.

For the group date, eight contestants slipped into shorts (but maybe not Bermuda shorts) for a four-on-four sailing competition. The winners got their date with Emily while the losing four had to go back to the hotel and do nothing but talk about "The Bachelorette." (Really, would it hurt to show the guys talk about something else?)

After a race that seemed to last four hours, Team Ryan, Jef with one "f", Arie and Kalon won the date. The losing team was so upset that they refused to wear their seatbelts on the drive to the hotel. Take that, motor vehicle laws!

At the victory party, Ryan referred to Emily as his "possible trophy wife." I really don't see that comment, or the fat joke he made last week, taking him far. Emily opted to give the rose to Jef with one "f", who overcame "Kramer hair" (you could land a small plane on his head) to advance to next week.

The next date was the notorious two-on-one, where one or both of recipients could be sent home. Nate the accountant and John (who I refuse to call "Wolf") the "data destruction specialist" were the night's victims, and they went cliff diving with Emily.

Dinner was served in a cave (yes, a cave), and John and Nate appeared to reject their quinoa entree. Can one order pizza and breadsticks to a cave?

After way too much contemplating, Emily sent Nate packing, saying she doesn't see them together forever.

At the cocktail party, though, the gloves came off for some of the competitors. Ryan was caught by the cameras suggesting that he was future "Bachelor" material. He was also caught looking too much like disgraced baseball slugger Jose Canseco. Cast him for the film version of "Juiced"!

Meanwhile, Doug went to war with "Bobblehead" Chris over the latter's alleged immaturity (Chris is only 25, while Doug is in his 30s). The two have a "five o'clock shadow" summit, which quickly devolved into one possibly calling the other a "poopy head." The argument looked so strained and forced that it seemed the show tried to encourage either Chris or Doug to start a war with the other.

Before the rose ceremony, Emily chatted with Chris Harrison on how everything's been going. She mentioned that Doug and Ryan get into a lot of arguments, and added that she thought Ryan had a "manipulative" side to him. Certainly that meant she had her two eliminations in the bag, right?

Not so fast. Emily said farewell to Charlie, the man who overcame his public speaking fears during the Muppets date, and Michael, a guy with long hair I can't tell you a thing about. Every time Michael's face popped up during the rose ceremony, my wife and I wondered what his name was.  I think we got to "Pete" before Chris Harrison revealed his actual name. An important rule of this show: If the viewer can't remember the competitor a month into the contest, chances are they're not going far.

Next week, Emily and the 10 remaining competitors head to London, where Emily drops the "F" bomb.  This show is getting more and more desperate for a hook as the weeks go by.

What did you think of last night's "Bachelorette" episode?

soundoff (16 Responses)
  1. Stock Analysis

    Hi there, I found your website via Google while searching for a similar subject, your site got here up, it looks great. I have added to my favourites|added to bookmarks.

    June 20, 2012 at 12:45 pm | Report abuse |
  2. Turned Off

    With Ben's season the show hit a new low. Seems pointless to watch. Not funny, not entartaining, fake and shallow.

    June 13, 2012 at 11:06 pm | Report abuse |
  3. Kathy Green

    Maybe we will luck out and the show will be caught in the triangle, never to be seen again.

    June 13, 2012 at 7:05 pm | Report abuse |
  4. Michelle

    Did anyone else notice Jef wearing shorts and knee socks during the rose ceremony?

    June 8, 2012 at 9:48 pm | Report abuse |
  5. professor martin

    I find it hard to believe that anyone would watch this crap. The entire show is scripted as well as just a medium for people to get exposure in hopes it will lead to some other show/movie career. It gives people the wrong idea of what relationships are really about today, economics. Most women today could care less about romance although they will respond to this and lie and say they do. Most women today are not satisfied with one man but prefer to 'play the field'. The old cliche' that women used to say that , 'a good man is hard to find' is now, 'a good woman is very hard to find and rare'. These guys on this show looks like chumps and desperate swooning over a woman who has no problem getting 'men'. Thats why the overwhelming majority of these women and men who get ' married' on this program NEVER last.

    June 8, 2012 at 11:55 am | Report abuse |
  6. Clete

    Never watched. Based on the article it seems it's more interesting to walk my dog and watch while he makes his nightly "deposit."

    June 7, 2012 at 4:41 pm | Report abuse |
  7. Mandy

    Its entertainment, pure and simple. Stop reading so much in to it. Geez.

    June 6, 2012 at 10:11 am | Report abuse |
  8. Mike

    Having read this article I am convinced I made the right decision to never watch another minute of ABC's reality dating/mating shows. Season 16 of the Bachelor with Ben Flajnik was obviously rigged from the start.

    June 6, 2012 at 9:29 am | Report abuse |
  9. JellyBean

    Guy behind her: Well – H u n g. Blonde to the left of him: Small. Frowny black-haired dude behind well – h u n g dude: Fat shlong. Smiley red-head behind him: Fat but average l e n g t h. Crazy looking guy at the far right rear, hairy but average.

    June 6, 2012 at 8:52 am | Report abuse |
  10. Aura

    Stupid show. Why would anyone waste their time watching this.

    June 5, 2012 at 6:49 pm | Report abuse |
  11. Miriam Montalvo

    Emily is so cute. I like Sean and Arie. Arie made me laugh when he imitated Doug as the "Hulk". Doug is easy to lose his temper. Chris is a little too uptight. Jef with one "f" looks really young. I just don't see them together. They looked awkward together sitting at the beach with the blanket wrapped around them. Not sure why she gave him the rose. Their conversation was so...well awkward.

    June 5, 2012 at 2:44 pm | Report abuse |
  12. Kate Gosselin's uterus

    This show is souless, and so are the people that watch it.

    June 5, 2012 at 2:24 pm | Report abuse |
  13. Lauren

    I turned it on for a few minutes and the first thing I heard was that guy pronouncing "quinoa" wrong- I laughed out loud and changed the channel. The bachelorette is very cute though and seems sweet!

    June 5, 2012 at 1:38 pm | Report abuse |
    • jillmarie

      Yes, I caught that too! Queenohya is how he botched it- and he thought he was showing off how he knows trendy food.
      This is the first episode I rented a movie to watch instead of watching it live. I'm just not as into it anymore.
      Still a guilty pleasure and all, but you can tell it's so fake.

      June 6, 2012 at 12:34 pm | Report abuse |
    • Kazuki

      Ok Tyra, this looks delicious! BUT I watned to comment and say I had no idea WHAT this was in my blog roll. Clicked on it and realized it is still you (Ucreate food) and I LOVE the new look! LOVE LOVE LOVE it!! Good job chick!!Love and Hugs, Jess

      July 8, 2012 at 4:24 am | Report abuse |

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