Gervais writes Oscars jokes for Franco and Hathaway
February 25th, 2011
02:08 PM ET

Gervais writes Oscars jokes for Franco and Hathaway

Controversial comedian Ricky Gervais may never be asked to host the Academy Awards, but he knows just how he wants things to play out when James Franco and Anne Hathaway do the honors at Sunday night's ceremony.

Gervais, who made headlines for his celebrity-skewering jokes at the Golden Globes, took to his blog recently and scripted some banter for Franco and Hathaway "in case they have a few minutes to fill" during their opening monologue.

As expected, much of it isn't exactly family friendly. Below, a few excerpts from Gervais' proposed Hathaway/Franco monologue:

Usually they hire comedians to host The Oscars, but tonight, instead, you get us!

No comedians tonight. And do you know why? Because comics are ugly.

Especially that rude obnoxious one who played the Steve Carell part in the English remake of "The Office."

# # # #

Ricky Gervais is now worth $80,000,000. The obnoxious Brit confirmed the figure, adding,"Yes and my dentist hasn't seen a penny."

Yeah, why doesn't he get his teeth straightened and bleached like everyone else in Hollywood?

It's a good question Anne. For the same reason he doesn't have Botox or suck up to important producers — there's something wrong with him.

There must be. Why isn't the stocky, fangy, little slob more like us, right?

That ugly dude needs to get a Hollywood makeover, big time.

Quite. And even though most of the actresses here have eating disorders, that's better than being fat right?

You bet it is gorgeous.

# # # #

Oh James, you are a card. And your slightly risky jokes are not threatening because you're one of us. And you are so handsome.

So let's get this show on the road.
Our first presenter is a Hollywood legend whose boots Ricky Gervais would not be fit to kiss...
The wonderful...
Mel Gibson...

(Standing ovation)

What do you think of Gervais's version of Franco and Hathaway's Oscar-night monologue? Tell us in a comment below.

soundoff (39 Responses)
  1. j roc

    Anything would have been tighter than the whack mess that went down

    March 3, 2011 at 2:22 am | Report abuse |

    I thought that Gervais' script was better than anything that could be said on the Oscars. The fact that Franco didn't get this was a joke makes me wonder about the actor's commonsense. Looking at Gervais' blog, anyone can tell that the comedian wasn't serious about the script being for the Oscars.Franco needs to lighten up.

    March 2, 2011 at 2:28 pm | Report abuse |
  3. Superhiro

    Gervais ain't lookin' so bad now is he?

    February 28, 2011 at 3:52 pm | Report abuse |
  4. Tcf

    Made me laugh! Liked Hathaway much more than Franco, and this dialogue certainly would have been more entertaining.

    February 28, 2011 at 1:50 pm | Report abuse |
  5. mov

    Beautiful, love it.

    February 28, 2011 at 12:19 pm | Report abuse |
  6. Del

    Sick, like the rest of Hollywood.

    February 28, 2011 at 7:07 am | Report abuse |
  7. zoe

    Ricky Gervais is f$$cking brilliant. F$$cking briliant. So you shut your f¤¤cking pie holes.

    February 28, 2011 at 12:48 am | Report abuse |
  8. whatwhat

    Franco was terrible. Hathaway was lame. They should have used RG's jokes.

    February 27, 2011 at 11:50 pm | Report abuse |
  9. Judy Prebell

    Frankly that Monologue was not funny and whose idea was it to have James Franco come out dressed as MM who has remained a respected and revered Icon all over the World. It was embarrassing classless and demeaning.

    February 27, 2011 at 11:43 pm | Report abuse |
  10. Yo Mama

    Umm, When are you going to post this supposedly FUNNY banter he has 'penned' so I can tell you what I think as you have requested?

    February 27, 2011 at 9:58 pm | Report abuse |
  11. sam

    After the invention of lying what do you people expect either you get it or you dont! I do and if Ricky wasnt already taken I'd put him in my pocket and laugh all the day long!!

    February 27, 2011 at 6:07 pm | Report abuse |
  12. rebekah

    Brilliant as usual!

    February 27, 2011 at 12:02 pm | Report abuse |
  13. 55wf

    LOVE him!! This is great stuff!!

    February 27, 2011 at 9:18 am | Report abuse |
  14. burninggirl


    February 27, 2011 at 3:02 am | Report abuse |
  15. Name*kitty


    February 26, 2011 at 10:16 pm | Report abuse |
  16. monkey

    Too funny!!!Great jokes. People are way too sensitive. They are just jokes after all,if you ask a comedian to host award shows;expect jokes. If you don't like them and get upset/offended,next time ask a prude to host and fall asleep during it.

    February 26, 2011 at 4:02 pm | Report abuse |
  17. The Maverick Jester

    I read Gervais' blog. His jokes were funny. I hope that Franco is merely joking about not getting the satire. If not, he looks silly.

    February 26, 2011 at 3:08 pm | Report abuse |
  18. Amusing

    Hollywood gets to stuck up ans nervous about things. There are comedians that curse everytime they let a joke loose. Gervais is hyterically funny, and I would love to see that monlogue on sunday.

    February 26, 2011 at 1:19 pm | Report abuse |
  19. James

    One word: unfunny

    February 26, 2011 at 10:16 am | Report abuse |
  20. jojo

    Ricky is funny but so much of his own personal resentments and issues are being displayed in his jokes and this is just not becoming. You can't be so sarcastic that the receivers wonder do you have a knife OR a balloon behind your back.?

    February 26, 2011 at 8:54 am | Report abuse |

    I just farted. Shooooo : )

    February 26, 2011 at 4:48 am | Report abuse |
  22. Pam Gale

    Love it!

    February 25, 2011 at 11:56 pm | Report abuse |
  23. Tom D.

    Ah! So the truth stings eh Hollywood?
    People know and appreciate the core of truth in Ricky's work...since when is being a funny smartass so wrong?
    And the press needs to back off too! Gervais is a gem in a tawdry setting.

    February 25, 2011 at 11:15 pm | Report abuse |
  24. Tom D.

    Ah! So the truth stings eh Hollywood?
    People know and appreciate the core of truth in Ricky's work...since when is being a funny smartass so wrong?
    And the press meeds to back off too! Gervais is a gem in a tawdry setting.

    February 25, 2011 at 11:15 pm | Report abuse |
  25. asad

    Extremely funny. We don't have the guts to do it though. Shows Gervais' keen insight into Hollywood pretensions.

    February 25, 2011 at 9:11 pm | Report abuse |
  26. D

    I thought James Franco could do everything-why cant he write his OWN jokes since he's done just about everything else...

    February 25, 2011 at 8:00 pm | Report abuse |
  27. Ayrifeek

    Boggles me when people think they have te right to tell people not to take themselves seriously. It's honestly none of our business how people approach themselves or their jobs. It doesn't hurt you and each is responding for their own behavior. Making trashy jokes won't change that.

    These Hollywood types whom you've never met are human and it is sincerely stupid to assume what goes on in their minds.

    February 25, 2011 at 6:33 pm | Report abuse |
  28. John davis

    C'mon you gotta be kiddin me, that stuff is hilarious (and mkstly true). you people in hollywood are all To into yourselves to see the humor. only people who can see the humor in life need apply which leaves most of you well to do hollywood socialites out in the cold. look just keep making your movies people and i'll keep going to watch them but when it comes to things like morals and humor both of which most of you people lack then you should all keep your traps shut and go on with your less than stellar pesonal lives. remember your only a star as long as your on that screen!!!!!!!!!

    February 25, 2011 at 5:34 pm | Report abuse |
  29. section 245

    Ricky clearly needs to marry his daughter, flee child molestation charges, drive drunk or go on a racist rant to be fully accepted by his hollywood peers. Good for him, he's worth any dozen of that lot.

    February 25, 2011 at 4:36 pm | Report abuse |
  30. Rebel

    The best thing about the Oscars is checking out all the mens fashions. I bet Franco is going to be just dreamy. Getting my DVR ready !

    February 25, 2011 at 4:33 pm | Report abuse |
  31. kello

    I love James Franco, like Anne Hathaway and think Ricky's comments are hilarious. Its Hoolywood and it's comedy. I hate when people try to take either serious.

    February 25, 2011 at 4:15 pm | Report abuse |
  32. Marco555

    yeah. buncha white scoundrels. i do hope some of the guys will weat fishnet pants this year.

    February 25, 2011 at 3:59 pm | Report abuse |
  33. thomasedwardseymour

    Hollywood is an amazing place where wife beaters, drug addicts and criminal millionaires are to be envied. Ricky just tells it like it is. There are many great people in Hollywood, they don't don't get the spotlight like famous thieves, racists or women beaters do. I wish George Carlin was around to back Ricky up.

    February 25, 2011 at 3:55 pm | Report abuse |
    • agree

      Here, here! Carlin's take on this would be welcomed! Big shoes to fill, so happy that we have Gervais.

      February 25, 2011 at 5:19 pm | Report abuse |
  34. trish

    Love him.........wish he were hosting the Oscars.

    February 25, 2011 at 3:47 pm | Report abuse |
  35. Marco555

    I hope they talk about weeiners. I like their delicious salty taaste.

    February 25, 2011 at 3:27 pm | Report abuse |
  36. Superhiro

    They still do the Oscars?

    February 25, 2011 at 2:49 pm | Report abuse |
  37. Hector F.

    Ricky was hilarious on the Golden Globes...

    February 25, 2011 at 2:37 pm | Report abuse |
  38. DC in LA

    i never took him to be so simple or obvious... or angsty! wow.

    February 25, 2011 at 2:35 pm | Report abuse |

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