March 1st, 2010
10:20 PM ET

Jay Leno's 'Tonight Show' monologue: Monday, March 1

Below is a transcript of Jay Leno's monologue on Monday, March 1:

It's good to be home. I'm Jay Leno, your host... at least for a while.

I've got to admit that I'm a little nervous. Not because it's my first night back. Because I know that Dave and Oprah are watching.

Actually, we were off for the last couple of weeks. Kind of like the Russians at the Olympics. What happened to them?

How about our Olympic athletes? Pretty amazing, thirty seven medals! In fact, we have one of the gold medal winners, Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn is on the show show tonight. She was amazing. Did you see her? When it comes to going down hill nobody is faster. Ok, except NBC.

Congratulations to Canada for winning the gold in hockey yesterday. That was a great game. I thought America played great. The Canadians accuse us Americans of not understanding hockey. It's not true. If our guys had used their long pokey thing and that rubber disk to get it into that little basket thingy before they did? We would have won.

Actually I was in Vancouver last week. I saw Olympic skier Jeret Speedy Peterson. He won the silver medal. I was there. I was there when he won. He came over to me. Take a look. (Drop in: Skier celebration/ at the end of the hill he punches Jay.) I think he's a Letterman guy.

It's now time for a new bit we call, "How boring is Alan Greenspan." Let's take a look. (Drop-in: Alan talking and then he falls asleep.)

This is something you may have heard on "60 Minutes." Blackwater Worldwide, the State Department's largest security contractor... those guys we hired as guards. Well, now they have been accused of hiring prostitutes with tax dollars and putting them on the company payroll. In fact, they will say this is the first time tax money has even been used to pay a whore since the Wall Street bailout.

Speaking of getting screwed, the airlines are going to begin are going to begin charging a fee for flying standby. They are going to charge you a fee for standby. In fact they don't even call it standby anymore. It's now called "stand and bend over."

The California legislature has passed a ban on swearing. This week there is no swearing in California. It's about time those dumb bastards did something right. Exactly!

Have you heard about this? There is a new breakfast cereal out called Chocolate Cheerios. What is Cheerios given up now? Chocolate Cheerios, what's that? Are they even Cheerios anymore? Aren't they just doughnuts in milk now?

You know what they should call them now? Cheney-O's.

As you may have heard, former Vice-President Dick Cheney is doing fine after suffering his fifth heart attack. Five! He's like the Apolo Ohno of heart attacks! Who has five? Or as President Bush goes... (holds up five fingers).

The good news is that the former vice president is doing fine. The doctors said that sneer will be back on his face in no time.

President Bush went to visit went to visit Dick Cheney on Friday. I think President Bush is preparing for the worst. Did you see him pulling up in front of Cheney's house? They did a story on it. Take a look. (Drop-in: Drives up in a hearse.)

President Bush said today that he often turned to prayer during his presidency. Hey, I think we all turned to prayer.

This sounds exciting. Keanu Reeves has signed on to star in "Speed 3." Remember the original was a runaway bus, the second was a runaway boat, the latest one will star a Toyota. Should be very exciting.

People still have faith in Toyota. Even with these massive recalls the Toyota Prius has retained its title as Consumer Reports top pick for eco-friendly vehicle. They said it's a great way to get in touch with the environment. Especially when it flies out of control and hits a tree. You're right there.

Earlier tonight was the season finale of "The Bachelor." It was followed by an update show called "After the final rose." Then later, several of the girls were over on "Dr. Oz" doing a segment called "Does this look infected to you?"

I have something for Kev. I'm going to call this my "Kevin Eubanks Segment." You wil love this. It's a segment we call, "The world's tightest pants." Take a look. (Drop-in: world's tightest pants.) Isn't 11:30 a lot more fun?

Kind of sad. Gatorade has officially ended their relationship with Tiger Woods. Apparently he was seeing at least five other sports drinks.

Did you watch the press conference. As you know, Tiger Woods gave a press conference last week where he said he is returning to Buddhism. As opposed to what he was practicing before. That was "bootyism." That was totally different.

Filed under: David Letterman • Late Night comedy • television

soundoff (72 Responses)
  1. Pharme196

    Hello! dceedkd interesting dceedkd site! I'm really like it! Very, very dceedkd good!

    October 29, 2011 at 2:47 pm | Report abuse |
  2. xanaas

    oh how nbc will be squirming and writhing in agony....soon. and i agree only unintelligent people who cant understand letterman or conan's brand of edgy and quirky humour likes jay chin-o. only a handful of people like him just look at this page, its his monologue and we all read it but how many people liked him or thought it was really funny? wouldnt you expect there to be more chino fans on his monologue page than letterman's or conan's? its only a matter of time ......

    March 3, 2010 at 9:07 am | Report abuse |
  3. Paula Murray

    YES! Jay is back! He is still king of late night shows. Howard Stern, you are such a blow hard, do you really think everyone cares about your opinions. Letterman-you are FOUL, that is the only way to put it. We tried watching your show, but just sat there never finding you funny "I swear to God"! The Ferguson show is better than Letterman any day. However, Jay Leno has this family's vote any day. GO JAY!!!

    March 2, 2010 at 7:57 pm | Report abuse |
  4. Sarah

    Is it really surprising Conan's ratings were low? By the time Leno was through with his monolgue, everyone was asleep. What a horrible lead in and utterly unfair to Conan.

    March 2, 2010 at 4:49 pm | Report abuse |
  5. Retina

    Wow, was that funny. The bit about Greenspan? Hilarious. You won't see any other late night comedian doing such edgy, laugh-out-loud stuff. And the bit changing buddhism to bootyism? Just awesome. My dentures dropping out right on the shag carpeting.

    March 2, 2010 at 2:47 pm | Report abuse |
  6. Loves To Laugh

    YAY JAY !!!!
    The True King of the Tonight Show is back where he belongs

    Conan the barbaric ruined the show for awhile there ... he was so UN-funny they had to take the show away from him – good move guys ! Now he's been relegated to the Twitter Twits just where he belongs

    March 2, 2010 at 2:45 pm | Report abuse |
  7. Judy

    Loved you at 10PM and still loving you at 11:30.

    March 2, 2010 at 2:26 pm | Report abuse |
  8. Frank

    Most of these "jokes" he, unsurprisingly, copied from other people:

    March 2, 2010 at 2:13 pm | Report abuse |
  9. rmccann

    Welcome home, we missed you.

    March 2, 2010 at 1:25 pm | Report abuse |
  10. Bob -Wisconsin

    Conan who???

    March 2, 2010 at 1:16 pm | Report abuse |
  11. Irises

    I have Leno set on my DVR. Hopefully, they will keep for 30-40 years until I'm old enough to not care about funny and need something to lull by geriatric butt to sleep.

    March 2, 2010 at 1:13 pm | Report abuse |
  12. rhonda

    first i agree with joe c. if carson were alive. second, i didn't watch leno, nor do i intend to. perhaps this will change in time. i just feel he acted like a spoiled brat when his move didnt turn out well he pitched a fit and the NBC parents gave in and let him have his way, not even caring how it affected anyone else.

    i am looking forward to seeing conan again and wish him only the best

    March 2, 2010 at 1:10 pm | Report abuse |
  13. AAA

    Jay is whack, Conan will come back on another station and tear it up, and that will once and for all shut Jay up

    March 2, 2010 at 1:07 pm | Report abuse |
  14. Jon

    Leno needs to leave. I miss my CoCo!!!

    March 2, 2010 at 1:05 pm | Report abuse |
  15. don't give a crap

    Hey Leno!
    Bush has been out of office for over a year yet you make jokes about Bush and not about Obama. I'm pretty sure you're a democrat and this is why I don't like you.

    March 2, 2010 at 1:04 pm | Report abuse |
  16. Alex

    Nice to see the Tonight Show is still entertaining people old enough to remember watching when Steve Allen was host. The rest of us will have to wait till Conan comes back to TV.

    March 2, 2010 at 12:52 pm | Report abuse |
  17. Jay's No Co-Co

    Jay is back? ZZZZZZ. Bring back the Conan! What's the point of watching TV at 11:30p if the host puts you right to sleep? Leno is about as funny and as lively as Xanax or Ambien. No wonder NBC is cemented in 4th place. Yuck!

    March 2, 2010 at 12:49 pm | Report abuse |
  18. Elaine B

    Late night television is a business. It wasn't widely reported but Conan's rating stunk – that's why NBC brought Leno back. Nothing to do with their humor – only with the ratings and the dollars. Leno got a raw deal in the press and public opinion becasue few people knew about Conan's bad ratings. Where were all the Coco fans when he needed them? If they had been watching Connan before NBC made their "ratings/money decision", he'd still be there. NBC moved Leno out of the 10 pm spot for the same reason – Leno's rating stunk at 10pm. But NBC has a long memory for money – they remembered that Leno was steadily first in the rating at 11:30 so they offered him his old job back, hoping he would regain the top spot. Leno, being the consumate workaholic, couldn't say No. So my take on the whole matter – NBC makes stupid business decisions. The best to both Leno and Conan!

    March 2, 2010 at 12:31 pm | Report abuse |
  19. Victor

    So that was supposed to be funny?????

    God I miss Conan.

    Can't wait till September.

    March 2, 2010 at 12:27 pm | Report abuse |
  20. Doug

    Go Coco!

    March 2, 2010 at 12:21 pm | Report abuse |
  21. AgentM

    This is generic idiot shit. Perfect for middle America at the end of a long hard day.

    March 2, 2010 at 12:18 pm | Report abuse |
  22. tony

    Well it's back to tired old one-liners, delivered in an over-the-top ham-fisted fashion, with a lot of repeated yelling of punch lines. (from the Joan Rivers school of overdoing a joke)

    I can't watch him – he always looks so nervous to be standing up there – rocking forward one step and then back – clapping and wringing his hands.

    Carson, Letterman, O'Brien – they're able to stand there an look relaxed. Watch Leno agitation on fast forward – makes me nervous just watching him.

    March 2, 2010 at 12:15 pm | Report abuse |
  23. robert

    The monologus seemed forced. Not really funny. Always liked Letterman anyway.

    March 2, 2010 at 12:13 pm | Report abuse |
  24. Sandy

    I am thrilled that Jay is back – now i have a reason to stay up late.
    Thanks Jay – we love you in Pittsburgh!

    March 2, 2010 at 12:08 pm | Report abuse |
  25. Bencon

    Having these boring hosts late at nght is perfect–it gets you sleepy.

    March 2, 2010 at 11:51 am | Report abuse |
  26. franco

    I think Jay is funny; I prefer the edge that Conan or Dave bring to a monologue, and someone like Howard Stern is much more dynamic, but to call Jay unfunny is simply to be in denial; the man has talent and intelligence; if he didn't how would he have gotten to where he is.

    March 2, 2010 at 11:51 am | Report abuse |
  27. Mandi

    Leno's such a douche lord. I'm sorry, was any of that supposed to be funny? That's a good 3 mins of my life I'll never get back.

    March 2, 2010 at 11:13 am | Report abuse |
  28. NickG

    First night back and that monologue was all he had? I watched and it was simply terrible!!!

    March 2, 2010 at 11:04 am | Report abuse |
  29. Ty

    Nothing against Jay Leno, but Conan is hands down more creative, funnier and likable. Conan can be funny without a mono-log and just being himself.

    If you put Jay Leno in the position Conan had to start out in with a low budget for the show, I don't think he could last. Conan was not there long enough to build an audience following.

    NBC made a huge mistake. If I recall Jay use to stand in for Carson and the audience had time to adjust to him and adapt and eventually was accepted and took over.

    If Jay had so much Star Power, why did his show fail in a 10:00 time slot?

    I look forward to Conan coming back on the air sometime in the Fall I hope. Looks like the corporate sponsors are going to have to eat the negative profits for the next 6 months or so on this one.

    March 2, 2010 at 10:57 am | Report abuse |
  30. J.Witmer

    "How boring is Alan Greenspan" and "Worlds tighest pants"?! Wow, I really missed Leno. THIS IS CRAP! Glad to see that Kevin Eubanks is leaving. He is better than this!

    March 2, 2010 at 10:53 am | Report abuse |
  31. Kevin

    It felt so damn good to change the channel away from NBC last night at 11:35! I'm sure Leno is loved by the people who are too lazy to change the channel, but for those with any higher brain function, his "comedy" is bland and unfunny. I'll have Letterman and Kimmel to watch until Conan lands somewhere this fall. NBC and Leno can go screw.

    March 2, 2010 at 10:47 am | Report abuse |
  32. gary

    No one should watch this show. Johnny is rolling in his grave over all that happened. Go back to the Casino shows you do Jay. Bring Conan back!!!!

    March 2, 2010 at 10:46 am | Report abuse |
  33. Garry

    Leno is old news, it's time for him to leave. Conan brought something new to the Tonight Show and if given the chance, he would have done well. NBC did wrong by losing Conan and keeping Leno. At least Jimmy Falon is still there, he's funny. Prediction, Leno will lose out to Letterman and Conan , should he go to FOX. RIP Jay.....

    March 2, 2010 at 10:45 am | Report abuse |
  34. judy morneau

    Great to have you back!!! You did the right thing coming back to your show.Look forward to the best late night comic!!

    Judy Morneau

    March 2, 2010 at 10:28 am | Report abuse |
  35. sherry johnson

    We love you Jay and are happy you are back-just wish Kevin wasn't leaving--

    March 2, 2010 at 10:02 am | Report abuse |
  36. Kim

    Love Jay!!! Class act that man. Letterman is a CREEP and the red head's jokes are for 12 yr old little boys.

    Welcome Back Jay!!!!

    March 2, 2010 at 10:01 am | Report abuse |
  37. Rosario

    A piece of advise for Jay Leno- YOUR CAREER IS OVER! You're the friggin Brett Favre of Late Night Television. I think I speak for the general public when I say we're sick of this story.

    It's the Coco Era! I am glad that he will be with a network that actually has a chance of surviving- FOX.

    Viva Conando!

    March 2, 2010 at 9:59 am | Report abuse |
  38. Sam

    Wow, he's still milking that 15 second Late Show promo for all it's worth. He spent at least 5 minutes talking about it on his final Jay Leno Show, and he breaks it out as his 2nd joke now? It's been almost a month since the Super Bowl...geez. Meanwhile, Dave has never mentioned it on his show.

    March 2, 2010 at 9:58 am | Report abuse |
  39. Joe C

    If Johnny Carson was alive and in his prime, None of these so called entertainers would still be on the air. Johnny was the King of late night and these immitators should be ashamed of how weak they really are.Johnny entertained us every night back in the day. One would look forward to watching Johnny and his guests. He was always in control and he made each and every guest feel comfortable and he also listened to what they had to say!!

    March 2, 2010 at 9:57 am | Report abuse |
  40. tina

    move on jay... move on
    your time is over

    March 2, 2010 at 9:42 am | Report abuse |
  41. Matt

    Leno, CoCo then Craig would make the perfect combo... too bad NBC had 2 of them at 1 point

    March 2, 2010 at 9:40 am | Report abuse |
  42. Mark

    Couldn't have said it better myself Mike.

    March 2, 2010 at 9:27 am | Report abuse |
  43. Sarah

    Boring to watch, even more boring to read.

    March 2, 2010 at 9:27 am | Report abuse |
  44. Farva

    What a bunch of boring drab.

    The only thing funny about Jay Leno is his chin. That thing WILL take over the world. T-Minus 50 episodes til we find out his chin is a mechanical monster from the future that starts its hunt to kill John Connor.

    March 2, 2010 at 9:21 am | Report abuse |
  45. Robert

    The back stabbing pig is back, what a waste! And look at who he has on, the number one airhead on the planet, Palin! NBC screwed up big time, and we all now have to suffer for their mistake. Take Jay off the air. He doesn't deserve the Tonight Show, he never did! Letterman is King!

    March 2, 2010 at 9:17 am | Report abuse |
  46. Kevin Cassidy

    Leno is not funny.

    March 2, 2010 at 9:15 am | Report abuse |
  47. Rachel

    I am so disappointed to have Leno back. After Conan, Leno now seems worse than before.

    March 2, 2010 at 9:12 am | Report abuse |
  48. ChrisD

    I'm boycotting the Tonight Show and remain a member of CoCo United!

    In reading the transcript, sounds like I didn't miss anything.

    March 2, 2010 at 9:04 am | Report abuse |
  49. joanne

    Sooooooooo glad 2 c Jay back !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    March 2, 2010 at 8:57 am | Report abuse |
  50. MARTA

    Yay!!!!!!!! Jay is back!!!! Leno rocks!!!!!!

    March 2, 2010 at 8:54 am | Report abuse |
  51. monica

    leno SUCKS bring back CoCo

    March 2, 2010 at 8:51 am | Report abuse |
  52. Ted

    Bah, Jay is such a weasel. Instead of retiring with class like Carson, he just hung around until his "genius" bosses handed him his old job back, even after his so-called new show tanked.

    The next big laugh I will get from Leno is when he gets booted from the Tonight Show.

    March 2, 2010 at 8:51 am | Report abuse |
  53. Steve

    I'm a night owl. Jay's return is great for me. He is the funnier late night guy, hands down.

    March 2, 2010 at 8:48 am | Report abuse |
  54. OMG

    Hooray – Jay is back – loser gone...winner back

    March 2, 2010 at 7:24 am | Report abuse |
  55. Kevin G

    Jay Has the best writers in the biz. Jay also has the best latenight show. I liked Conan too, but his show was going down hill the past few seasons.

    March 2, 2010 at 3:58 am | Report abuse |
  56. Jules

    Wow! I'll never cease to be amazed at Leno's clever, audacious style of comedy. What a risk-taker! What a pusher of intellectual envelopes!

    The best comedy works when the comedian is smarter than his material. A dozy guy pushing dozy jokes has the entertainment value of a tap-dancing jellyfish.

    March 2, 2010 at 3:51 am | Report abuse |
  57. mike

    Way to go Jay! That topical humor has the 55+ crowd in stitches! Oh, how I've missed your A1 brand of "lowest-common-denominator" jokes. Great to have you back. Finally, I can shut my brain off at 11:30 again! Thank goodness.

    March 2, 2010 at 3:46 am | Report abuse |
  58. Luis Ferrer

    He is great... I really missed him all this time...
    people> I respected Conan, but... whata difference!!!

    March 2, 2010 at 3:31 am | Report abuse |
  59. mushymushroom

    good thing there's jimmy fallon...the one show i would stay up late for... 🙂

    March 2, 2010 at 2:32 am | Report abuse |
  60. bill

    im not happy jay is back

    March 2, 2010 at 2:30 am | Report abuse |
  61. 15rings

    That was a funny monologue...

    March 2, 2010 at 1:46 am | Report abuse |
  62. h2oplyer7

    If you like the chin then I am sure you are also fans of milk toast, foggy mornings, white Toyotas and whatever else in the world is boring and bland. Jay Leno isn't bad, he also isn't good. He is your typical B- high school student that everyone forgot because he did anything interesting. Matt, Tom and Karyn, I would love to know what is your favorite comedy movie. If it is Ace Ventura then you opinions really don't count.

    March 2, 2010 at 1:32 am | Report abuse |
  63. Phil

    Jay Leno is a washed up comedian with no talent. His show appeals to to 60+ age market and he is boring as hell. The biggest mistake NBC did was letting Conan go because when he comes back, and he will, Leno will get slaughtered in the ratings. Leno should of just retired as a respectable former host of the Tonight Show but now he has angered the masses that already have stones in hand when NBC is mentioned. Leno is a good fit for NBC though. A lame host for a washed up network.

    March 2, 2010 at 1:15 am | Report abuse |
  64. Tim

    "Bootyism!?" Seriously, Jay? Is that the best you've got.

    Jay Leno's brand of "comedy" can best be described as "vanilla for the masses." I completely understand why he's so popular. After all, it's virtually impossible for his humor to go over anyone's head. His signature bits involve him reading headlines from newspapers and talking to idiots on the street. There is absolutely no creativity involved.

    His monologue jokes are lame, he shouts out the punch-lines, and seemingly every second joke is punctuated by a rim-shot or a guitar riff to let his audience know when to laugh. His comedy is perfect for those who lack a real sense of humor, and his show is tailor-made for slow thinkers. This probably explains why everyone I know who watches his show is either old or uneducated.

    March 2, 2010 at 1:14 am | Report abuse |
  65. jess

    These jokes stink! Good thing i didnt watch.

    March 2, 2010 at 1:13 am | Report abuse |
  66. Geri

    Leno sucks...what creative and relevant jokes though, huh? Greenspan? Are you KIDDING? Enjoy your last 2-3 years on TV, can't wait to watch you fade into oblivion where you belong. Viva Conando – I'M WITH COCO!

    March 2, 2010 at 1:07 am | Report abuse |
  67. downwiththechin

    same, boring garbage that leno has been doing since he came on the air. The people who like this trash need to have a humor transplant, seriously.

    Viva Conando!

    March 2, 2010 at 1:06 am | Report abuse |
  68. mitch w

    Conan should due a show "Late Nite Vancouver", after the curling celebrations.

    March 2, 2010 at 1:00 am | Report abuse |
  69. C D

    This is almost as unfunny to read as is it is to hear him deliver. How are most of these even passing as "jokes"?

    Dave, Coco, Craig – all funnier than Jay...

    March 2, 2010 at 12:41 am | Report abuse |
  70. karyn

    Me too!!

    March 1, 2010 at 11:57 pm | Report abuse |
  71. Tom

    I am also VERY glad to see Jay back. While in the Los Angeles area last fall, friends and I watched a taping of ill-fated "The Jay Leno Show". We've missed him in the "Tonight Show" time slot.

    March 1, 2010 at 11:50 pm | Report abuse |
  72. Matt

    I'm so glad Jay leno is Back.
    I am a leno man. I don't really enjoy watching any other late night Anchor man. I would like to share my top ten list of why leno is best.
    Then my top ten list of why lettermen sucks.

    March 1, 2010 at 11:08 pm | Report abuse |

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