The gang has arrived in Saint Lucia, where Jake is happy to be after "all that emotion" last week. He admits that Ali leaving the show for her work was disappointing and wonders, in a clumsy, post-production chop job sort of way, how she's doing.
In San Francisco, Ali says she can't sleep since leaving the show. She will not give up on Jake and pledges to win his heart. I'm thinking a Facebook fan page in his honor.
Back to the island, where Gia shows up in her Jennifer Beals top and Daisy Duke shorts. Will her tribute to 1983 clash with Jake's love of 1988 on their date? Jake then asks Gia if she likes boats, forgetting the fact that they were on a boat for the hometown date.
After what Jake referred to as an "awesome" date, the two have dinner on the beach. Jake says Gia looks beautiful with that "tiara-looking thing" on her head, and compliments Gia for "being deep." Who knew referring to the Empire State Building as the one with the "pointy thing" meant being the next Nietzsche? The two head to the fantasy suite, where Jake's impressed with the bubble bath because it has bubbles.
The second date is with Tenley, and Jake's so excited about touring the island with her that he just can't hide it. The two picnic in a rainforest, which Tenley has trouble identifying. That night, the two have dinner near a hotel pool, where they dance to music added in post-production. Jake and Tenley then head to the fantasy suite, where Jake says he loves Tenley for her values, morals and temperament. With pickup lines like that, no wonder he used to be "Mr. Dateless."
The final date is with Vienna, and they're spending the day on a pirate ship! Jake puts on an eyepatch and fails to channel his inner Patch from "Days of Our Lives." Jake promises this date will be awesome - that's two!
The two make out all over the ship, and Vienna fires a cannon between smooches. Jake then pushes Vienna off the plank and into the water. Jake declares the date awesome - that's three! Honestly, we need the Count from "Sesame Street" doing the voiceovers instead of Chris Harrison.
At dinner, Jake asks Vienna what she likes in rings. Vienna says she prefers onion skinny, princess cut bands with some bling. The two head to the fantasy suite's bed, where they'll eat, sleep and possibly build a little fort.
Jake is now alone in his hotel room, preparing for the rose ceremony, when the phone rings. Did he forget to pay his minibar tab? Nope, it's Ali, and she wants to come back. After several minutes of post-production editing hilarity, Jake tells her to stay home, saying he's pushed feelings for her aside. Ali is completely heartbroken, as she's without Jake and may have learned a painful financial lesson on international dialing.
At the rose ceremony, Jake sends Gia home, saying the relationship was a little too "start/stop," and that his feelings were stronger toward Vienna and Tenley. Gia cries, Jake's heart breaks and I'm eager to put the Olympics back on.
Next week, it's the women (sort of) telling all! An update on former contestants! The return of Rozlyn! More not-so-clever editing!
What did you think of this week's "Bachelor" episode?