May 28th, 2013
12:10 PM ET
It's the ninth season of "The Bachelorette" and, for current titleholder Desiree Hartsock, this season is her "Cinderella" story. (That makes Chris Harrison her fairy godmother, naturally.)
If you're just joining us, Desiree was rejected by Sean Lowe during last season's "Bachelor," saving her from spending the last few months with a reserved seat at "Dancing with the Stars." But she's bounced back in a big way and is ready to find love - hopefully with one of the 25 men looking to compete for her heart.
We learned about eight of those suitors in the annual pre-party montage. Among the highlights were Nick R., a tailor and magician who has the power to make two inches disappear from your waistline, and Zak W., a "free spirit" who apparently enjoys exposing himself to wildlife (don't ask).
We also met an entrepreneur named Robert who claimed he invented the modern "sign-waving" advertisement. I agree with one Twitter user that his claim sounds just as dubious as Al Gore inventing the Internet.
There was also a transplanted Englishman named Mike R. who is currently a dental student. Obviously, Mike is following the Ashley Hebert path to success. If that doesn't work, he can always go back to Britain and solve that country's centuries-old problem with gingivitis.
The opening party had plenty of good and bad for Desiree. Among the good was Ben, who brought his four-year-old son along for the limo ride, then showed his strong fatherhood skills by sending Junior back to the limo before the party started. A suitor named Chris got down on one knee ... and asked if he could tie his shoe. That's original, if a bit dorky. Speaking of dorky, a man named Diogo came to the party in a full suit of armor.
Free-spirited Zak showed up sans shirt, and then stripped down to his skivvies to jump into the pool. As he clearly understands the importance of pool-based activities on this show, he got one of the several roses Desiree handed out prior to the ceremony.
Among the "meh" contenders was Kasey, a "social media entrepreneur" who spent the whole episode speaking in hashtags. I understand ABC is building up two other guys to be this season's resident villains, but can we just nominate Kasey as "pure evil" and throw him out now?
Then there was Jonathan, who spent the entire episode trying to get Desiree to join him in the "fantasy suite," only to be escorted off the show. Silly Jonathan - only Chris Harrison has the power to make fantasy suite offers.
Two immediate impressions on this year's cast ...
– The suitors include two Nicks, a Zack and a Zak, and FOUR men with variations of the first name "Michael." The show has been previewing the potential for fisticuffs later this season - I can only hope the fighting is under "last Michael standing" rules.
– Some of the suitors are weirdly shaped. I know "The Bachelorette" loves buff, muscular men, but some of the guys looked like the love children of Popeye and Super Macho Man from "Punch-Out!!"
At the rose ceremony, Desiree eliminated five more guys, including Diogo, one Nick, two Michaels (including Mike the dental student - keep up the fight against tooth decay, good sir!) and a guy named Larry that I'm too lazy to remember. Maybe they joined Jonathan in the search for the fantasy suite.
What did you think of last night's "Bachelorette" premiere?
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