February 19th, 2013
11:05 AM ET
We're now up to "Hometown Date Night" on "The Bachelor," which means Sean racked up frequent flyer miles as he visited the families of the four remaining contestants.
Our first stop on Monday night was Houston, where AshLee was walking her dog. My 19-month-old daughter immediately declared AshLee the favorite to win it all, given her pro-dog walking stance. AshLee was also wearing plaid - a major plus when it comes to dealing with the men on this show.
While my daughter demanded that the dog get its own spinoff, Sean and AshLee had a picnic. When it came time to introduce her parents, AshLee slipped up by talking about "rolling in the sand" with Sean, which didn't impress her minister father.
Sean then told the minister that he's "crazy" about AshLee, and asked for his blessing. Rev. Dad granted his wish, but failed to order Sean to say two Hail Marys and one Our Father to repent for all the sins committed this season.
We then headed for Seattle, where Sean was shocked to see that the sun was out. He was there to meet Catherine, who seemed to have made a 180 after being upset over last week's rose ceremony elimination. The happy couple went to Pike Place Market to throw and catch fish, which is about as exciting as watching fish in a bowl.
The family gathering that came later consisted of Catherine's mother, grandmother and two sisters. Before we met them, Catherine warned Sean that her mom was "intimidating" and her grandma was "feisty." That's a great way to prepare to meet the family, huh?
Catherine's sisters didn't help matters when they told Sean that she's moody and messy, but not dirty. So if I get this straight, Catherine is like Oscar Madison from "The Odd Couple," but not Pigpen from "Peanuts."
To add insult to injury, Catherine's mother chose not to give Sean her blessing, leaving him to wonder if Catherine's family is skeptical about the whole process. You think?
Our next stop of the night was Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri, where Lindsay's dad serves as a two-star general. I was hoping Gen. Dad would order Sean to drop and give him 20, especially after Pops appeared dismayed over Lindsay wearing a wedding dress in the first episode. But alas, Gen. Dad gave Sean his blessing, which he referred to as the toughest question he's ever been asked.
We finished up our journey in Los Angeles, where Desiree and Sean began their time together with a hike. The couple then moved the party to Desiree's house, where they made dinner. Just then, there was a knock at the door, and a man in plaid walked in saying he's dated Desiree for two years. This all looked incredibly convoluted, even by the high standards the "Bachelor" franchise has provided for so long, so something was clearly up.
And something was: Desiree revealed that "plaid boy" is an actor, and that the whole thing was one big practical joke. Laughs were had all around as the dumbest joke in "Bachelor" history came to an end. You'd think Sean would have been tipped off by the plaid.
Finally, Desiree's parents and brother arrived for the real soiree. Desiree's mom and dad seemed to like the happy couple, but brother Nate had other ideas.
Nate, who reminded me of a very poor man's Joe Rogan, admitted that the whole process appears "stupid" and told Sean he has some doubts about our hero "being into her." I was really taking a liking to Nate, especially after he successfully used "reciprocate" in a sentence. I didn't think he had a four-syllable word in his vocabulary.
Sean, Desiree and her parents didn't know what to make of Nate, but I did. He's a straight shooter whose skepticism, quite frankly, was quite refreshing. Forget Chris Harrison - have Nate host the "Women Tell All" special and go crazy on everybody.
Heading into the rose ceremony, Sean said he didn't know whether to eliminate Catherine (who Sean worried wouldn't be able to settle down in a relationship) and Desiree (no need to guess why). There was only one man who could solve this predicament and that was Chris Harrison, who merely told Sean to think about it and come out for the rose ceremony.
When the event arrived, Desiree asked for some "alone time" with Sean, and apologized for what happened during her hometown date. When we started the ceremony up again, it was Lindsay and AshLee who got their roses.
But Sean left again before handing out the final rose, telling Chris that he's still struggling with a decision. Chris' advice? Think about it and come out for the rose ceremony. Chris is the world's worst motivational speaker.
After what appeared to be four hours of squirming, Sean finally opted to keep Catherine and dump Desiree. We can only guess that Desiree used her time in the limo of shame to count the ways she'll pulverize Nate.
Tonight, Sean "tells all" in a one-hour special.
What did you think of last night's "Bachelor" episode?
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