February 5th, 2013
11:26 AM ET
Monday night was the start of a two-night "special event" on "The Bachelor." (Since the episode didn't open with Sean working out, I did consider that "special" to a degree.)
Instead of a sweat session with Sean, we began with Chris and the 11 remaining women, who were told that they were in for three dates. There was a one-on-one, a group outing and the dreaded two-on-one, where at least one contestant was going to be eliminated.
But it was apparently time to fumigate the manor for this summer's "Bachelorette" - and possibly a fourth "Bachelor Pad" - so Chris told the women to pack their bags for an "around the world adventure." And since Sean likes the outdoors, they were headed to meet him in Montana. (Cue the Dan Seals/Marie Osmond duet.)
Sean warned the women they were going to be "roughing it" while there, which I hoped would involve lawn mowing, log splitting and anything that would make Ted Nugent proud. Meanwhile, the women were looking at their maps, hoping to actually find this "Montana" they've heard so much about.
Lindsay the substitute teacher went on the one-on-one date, which began with two "Bachelor" traditions: a helicopter and wearing plaid. If someone would've said "awesome," we could have reached the holy trinity of show fandom.
The two arrived at Glacier National Park, where they had a picnic before relocating to what appeared to be a lodge to sip win by the fire. Since when does that count as "roughing it"? Somewhere, Teddy Roosevelt is spinning in his grave.
After all was said and done, Lindsay got the rose, a kiss and a post-smooch concert.
On the group date, eight women were picked to compete in a "roughing it" challenge for the chance to continue romancing Sean. The ladies were split into two teams of four - the "red plaid" and the "blue plaid" - and had to complete a series of "roughing it" activities to win more "Sean time."
Among the activities: paddling a canoe, sawing wood, carrying bales of hay and milking goats, complete with team members drinking the raw goat milk. After about 10 hours of competition, the "red plaid" team came out on top.
But wait, Sean wanted to change the rules! (Even though the show doesn't appear to actually have any rules.) He decided to invite the "blue plaid" team to the post-date soiree, much to the chagrin of the "red plaid" squad, who pledged to defend their turf. Welcome to Chris Harrison's "West Side Story."
Meanwhile, Tierra, who's already been confirmed as this season's villain, was bummed at the Montana vacation manor. She and Jackie were scheduled to be on the two-on-one date, and Tierra was not happy about it. (This, despite the fact that she seemed quite excited about competing on the two-on-one earlier in the show.)
Split personality aside, Tierra knew there was only one way to resolve her crisis - go to wherever the soiree was happening and surprise Sean! She did just that, giving Sean the classic "show 101" of complaining about her status and saying that she's a contender, etc. Sean gave Tierra a kiss and sent her on her way.
Back at the soiree, Daniella the commercial casting associate was whining about how cutthroat "The Bachelor" is. Sean rewarded her with a rose, and I got some aspirin for the pounding headache I developed.
The group date featured Tierra and Jackie riding horses, eating and chatting with Sean. Before the group date started, my wife asked for my prediction on who would be eliminated. I responded that since Tierra is this season's lead villain, while Jackie is a contestant whose mere existence I'd forgotten about until the group date, my bets were on Jackie. And I was right.
Speaking of Tierra, it's now time to get on my high horse and make a complaint about the show. Throughout Monday's episode, we were teased with upcoming scenes that appeared to show one contestant dealing with a "major medical scare." The contestant in question wasn't revealed for several teasers (you'd only see, for instance, the back of her head).
Then, at the end of the episode, the show opted to air "scenes from future episodes," which included the reveal of who the woman with the medical scare was. It was Tierra, and she apparently falls victim to hypothermia (but recovers and quickly resorts back to her "cartoon villain" ways).
Note to "The Bachelor": If I weren't blogging about this series, I wouldn't bother watching tonight's episode after such a spoiler was revealed. You want people to view the new installment under the premise that one contestant is in danger, but who? Yet you completely ruin the element of surprise by trying to "out-spoil" noted show blogger "Reality Steve" Carbone (who spoiled the surprise back in mid-December). Why "The Bachelor" continues to engage in this behavior is beyond me.
Speaking of odd behavior, Tierra and a few of the other women got into it at the cocktail party, ticking off Sean and making him wonder if his wife was among the remaining contestants. When all was said and done, Sean dismissed Robyn, a Texas native and lead aggressor in the anti-Tierra battle.
Tonight, more hijinks and hypothermia to keep you busy for two hours. But first, tell us what you thought of Monday's "Bachelor" - were you as annoyed by those teasers as I was?
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