July 10th, 2012
11:04 AM ET
On Monday, "The Bachelorette" welcomed us to Curacao and the banana-colored hotel Emily was staying in, which for some reason she was really excited to plug.
Em couldn't believe that "three of the greatest guys she's ever met" were going to be with her this week. But enough about Chris Harrison and two random crew members...
Emily gave us a recap of the three remaining suitors, which renewed a question I've been asking since the show started. What happened to the skateboard Jef tossed into the shrubbery back in Charlotte? Was he ticketed for littering?
Sean popped up after the break, wearing a blue top with pink shorts. Not exactly the combo I'd be going with at this stage in the game.
Anyway, Sean and Emily boarded a helicopter to take a look at what Curacao is famous for - water. Lots and lots of water. I might've needed a bathroom break after watching that segment.
Sean spent the rest of the day imagining what it'd be like to spend his life with Emily, but he struggled to declare his love for her. Finally, after reading a mushy letter to her daughter, Sean admitted to Emily that he's smitten.
Emily was so happy to hear of this development, she presented Sean with a letter from Chris Harrison, offering the lovey-doveys a chance to spend the night in the "fantasy suite." They obliged, but Sean left for his own hotel room after just a few hours. Emily said she wants to set a good example for her daughter, so she nixed "overnight dates" in the fantasy suite.
The next day, Jef with one "f" met up with Emily, and they took a boat to look at more water. After some smooching, the happy couple opted to get in - and Jef's Vanilla Ice-esque hair barely moved an inch after his swims.
Later that night, Jef asked Emily where she wanted to live if they stayed together. Interestingly, Emily said she wanted to start a "whole new life" somewhere else. Didn't she hesitate about starting a "whole new life" with Brad Womack in Texas back in the day?
But Emily said that Jef makes her laugh, smile and feel confident about herself. (Maybe he's a stand-up comic behind the scenes?) When Jef asked if he's good fatherhood material, Emily said he'd be "perfect," and also gave him the Chris Harrison letter. Like Sean, Jef only stayed in the fantasy suite for a few hours before departing.
Arie had the show's final date, and he and Emily went swimming with dolphins. Arie happened to mention that he's never felt this way with any other woman before, which that one "Bachelorette" producer must have been really thrilled to hear.
Later that night, Emily asked Arie about what he does on a daily basis. Based on how Arie described it, he races, goes to "the shop" (whatever that is), gets up late and goes out every single night. In other words, he's basically the world's oldest college freshman.
But Emily didn't seem to mind Arie's frat-boy lifestyle, proclaiming that she would move to Arizona for him. I wonder what makes Arizona better than, say, Texas?
Emily didn't even offer Arie the fantasy suite option, essentially suggesting that the race car driver is, uh, "too tempting." So if the fantasy suite isn't offered, do crew members draw straws to see who gets to use it? And do they bill Chris Harrison for room service?
Speaking of Chris, he's embracing his new bachelor lifestyle by showing up in public sans wedding ring and tucked dress shirt. Last night, Chris delivered the news that the three suitors had made videos to show Emily before the ceremony. The videos, unfortunately, looked more like real estate pitch films than actual messages of love. After watching them, I was moved to buy a tract of land in Curacao.
In the end, Emily chose to keep Jef and Arie for the finale, awarding Sean the shameful bronze. I blame Sean's rose ceremony fashion faux pas for his demise. Jef had the decency to wear a tie, and both he and Arie tucked in their shirts. Sean's decision to go the Chris Harrison route with his shirt was doomed to failure.
Speaking of fashion, Emily's choice of skirt for the rose ceremony was beyond hideous. If I had two words to describe that ensemble, it would be "bedazzled mermaid."
Next week, it's the annual "Men Tell All" episode, where the rejected suitors take aim at anything and everything about the season.
What did you think of last night's "Bachelorette" episode?
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