[This post contains spoilers for the June 10 season 5 premiere of "True Blood" on HBO.]
“True Blood's" fifth season picked up on Sunday right where we last left off: with Tara bleeding out on Sookie’s kitchen floor.
Though I wish Sookie and Lafayette had allowed Tara to die along with Debbie Pelt, Pam showed up to save the day. (Upon seeing the blood and gore, Pam said, “Color me impressed. You guys know how to party.”)
They convinced Pam to turn Tara, which she agreed to only if Sookie would use her, er, "feminine charms" to fix Pam’s relationship with Eric. (Yes, it was one of the best lines of the night, but no, we can’t repeat it on a family blog.)
Pam got to work, and even put on an awful yellow sweatsuit to be buried alongside Tara. “I am wearing a Walmart sweatshirt for y'all. If that's not a demonstration of team spirit, I don't know what is.”
While Sookie was still brooding, Alcide warned her that Russell Edgington was “alive," well and coming after her.
Meanwhile, Sookie’s scorned exes were captured by the Vampire Authority. Bill and Eric escaped - but they weren’t in real danger all along. The sexy lady vampire driving the car was none other than Eric’s sister Nora, which he only revealed after an enthusiastic makeout session. (HBO plus incest equals ratings gold!)
As the chancellor of the Vampire Authority, Nora planned to free Eric all along but the Authority caught on and surrounded them.
When we last saw Jason Stackhouse, he opened his door to find crazy religious cult leader Steve Newlin baring his new fangs. But his former enemy wasn’t there to hurt Jason. He was there to confess: "I'm a gay vampire American, and I love you Jason Stackhouse.”
Bill left Jessica in charge, and it seems the power has gotten to her head, as she showed up and kicked Steve out, claiming Jason as her own.
And yet the very next night, she explained to Jason that she wasn’t interested in a relationship just before making out with a frat guy.
Jason invited a lithe young sorority girl to come home with him, only to explain that he didn’t want to sleep with her because he’s sick of being a jerk. Could sweet dim Jason finally be maturing?
Over in the Z plot, Terry’s marine pal Patrick was alarmed when Arlene mentioned that their house had been set on fire. He told Terry that his home and those of two other members of their squad had been set aflame as well. I’m guessing that’s not a coincidence.
Since Patrick is played by Scott Foley, I choose to think of this storyline as an alternate timeline created by Meghan during the fourth season of “Felicity.” Noel, I’ve missed you!
Sam was evading retribution from the pack after the murder of Luna’s husband Marcus but he refused to sell out the real killer: Alcide.
But after he was beaten and tortured by Marcus’ redneck mother and his pack, he led them to Marcus’ body. Just when they were about to kill him, Alcide showed up with Luna to take credit for the murder and declare that he didn’t care if half the pack wanted him dead. Then a bunch of the pack members shifted into wolves and started eating Marcus’ intestines. Gross.
Sookie and Lafayette were also hanging out around a grave, hoping that Tara would wake up a vampire.
Just as Sookie’s hopes came crashing down (and mine began to soar), Tara darted out of the grave to attack her best friend. I’d like to think that Tara will finally become interesting, but I suspect she’ll just remain a whiny ball of rage.
I share Lafayette’s hopes for this season: “No vampires, no witches, no ghosts, no maenads, and no mother******g werewolves.” We didn’t get a glimpse of Chris Meloni’s much-hyped head of the Vampire Authority, but Russell’s imminent return is very promising.
What did you think of last night’s season premiere?
Tara's character is awesome and I am sooo glad she didn't leave the show- she will be great as a vampire!
Author- If you wish for no vampires, ghosts, witches, etc... Why are you reviewing this show at all? Why are you watching? That is what this show is about. Let's get an author to write a review who actually likes the show's core pieces, ie: vampires, ghosts, witches, etc..
Please tell me you aren't suggesting vampires have to exist for one to enjoy the story. Like magic has to exist in the Lord of The Rings, or Game of Thrones to enjoy those stories, right? No...what a shallow way to think.
Tara's character rocks (contrary to what you say) and I'm glad she's back, badder than ever!
This season opener actually made up for the suckfest (pun unintended, but funny) that was the ENTIRE last season. Marnie was a terrible Big Bad! Bring forth Russell Edginton and the awesome he is! I guess loosing Alan Ball has made a difference!
Sookie is the finest piece of ass on t.v.
sorry...it's not t.v., it's hbo.
"Since Patrick is played by Scott Foley, I choose to think of this storyline as an alternate timeline created by Meghan during the fourth season of “Felicity.” Noel, I’ve missed you!"
OMGosh right?!!! I kept thinking of Felicity too!
CT – The entire series is meant to be a fun romp in the sack, so if you're not on board go ahead and just jump ship now. And jumping from story to story? Clearly you did not watch the previous 4 seasons otherwise you would understand the soap-operatic story line transitions.
Author – Do you even like this series? I have noted other articles you have written and it always seems that you post the Cliff Notes version versus having a discussion.
Better than last season so far.
Great show! I still can't figure out how anyone could kill a shapeshifter since he can just turn into a gnat or something and disappear (and why didn't he?), but whatever...
Um, you do realize...vampires are fictional and therefore dont exist? Or do you think you are a vampire or that maybe a family member is one? Why does anyone watch this show.
As much as I find vampire shows pointless, the fact is that no one gives a rats a** about hockey, either.
Waited anxiously for 9 months – what an utter disappointment. Sookie condones turning Tara into a vampire, when she knows that she loathed vampires more than dying? Please...and all the jumping around from story to story with little or no cohesiveness was laughable. All the reviews that I have read about this season have been less than favorable and now I know why. I am going to give the show a few more episodes to get interesting but I have a feeling that the shark is about to be jumped.
Buffet is a Piig and Taker.
Warren Buffet is an Evil Turd.
I loved the season premier...but you guys seemed to have missed a very important detail. Yes, Eric & Nora do refer to themselves as siblings...it is only because they shared the common bond of having Godric as their maker, they are not actually related by family, merely maker.
LOVE, LOVE, LOVED IT!! off to a great start.
I loved the show last night and that Tara came back as a vamp was great–now let Franklin have a twin brother that comes to Bon Temps. Where's Newlin's wife?
Andrea, vampires do not exist. It is all fake. Righto?
Eric's workout with his sister, was a definite highlight. But Pam stole the show. Excellent one liners. Gonna be a great season.
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