June 11th, 2012
09:25 AM ET
[This post contains spoilers for the June 10 season 5 premiere of "True Blood" on HBO.]
“True Blood's" fifth season picked up on Sunday right where we last left off: with Tara bleeding out on Sookie’s kitchen floor.
Though I wish Sookie and Lafayette had allowed Tara to die along with Debbie Pelt, Pam showed up to save the day. (Upon seeing the blood and gore, Pam said, “Color me impressed. You guys know how to party.”)
They convinced Pam to turn Tara, which she agreed to only if Sookie would use her, er, "feminine charms" to fix Pam’s relationship with Eric. (Yes, it was one of the best lines of the night, but no, we can’t repeat it on a family blog.)
Pam got to work, and even put on an awful yellow sweatsuit to be buried alongside Tara. “I am wearing a Walmart sweatshirt for y'all. If that's not a demonstration of team spirit, I don't know what is.”
While Sookie was still brooding, Alcide warned her that Russell Edgington was “alive," well and coming after her.
Meanwhile, Sookie’s scorned exes were captured by the Vampire Authority. Bill and Eric escaped - but they weren’t in real danger all along. The sexy lady vampire driving the car was none other than Eric’s sister Nora, which he only revealed after an enthusiastic makeout session. (HBO plus incest equals ratings gold!)
As the chancellor of the Vampire Authority, Nora planned to free Eric all along but the Authority caught on and surrounded them.
When we last saw Jason Stackhouse, he opened his door to find crazy religious cult leader Steve Newlin baring his new fangs. But his former enemy wasn’t there to hurt Jason. He was there to confess: "I'm a gay vampire American, and I love you Jason Stackhouse.”
Bill left Jessica in charge, and it seems the power has gotten to her head, as she showed up and kicked Steve out, claiming Jason as her own.
And yet the very next night, she explained to Jason that she wasn’t interested in a relationship just before making out with a frat guy.
Jason invited a lithe young sorority girl to come home with him, only to explain that he didn’t want to sleep with her because he’s sick of being a jerk. Could sweet dim Jason finally be maturing?
Over in the Z plot, Terry’s marine pal Patrick was alarmed when Arlene mentioned that their house had been set on fire. He told Terry that his home and those of two other members of their squad had been set aflame as well. I’m guessing that’s not a coincidence.
Since Patrick is played by Scott Foley, I choose to think of this storyline as an alternate timeline created by Meghan during the fourth season of “Felicity.” Noel, I’ve missed you!
Sam was evading retribution from the pack after the murder of Luna’s husband Marcus but he refused to sell out the real killer: Alcide.
But after he was beaten and tortured by Marcus’ redneck mother and his pack, he led them to Marcus’ body. Just when they were about to kill him, Alcide showed up with Luna to take credit for the murder and declare that he didn’t care if half the pack wanted him dead. Then a bunch of the pack members shifted into wolves and started eating Marcus’ intestines. Gross.
Sookie and Lafayette were also hanging out around a grave, hoping that Tara would wake up a vampire.
Just as Sookie’s hopes came crashing down (and mine began to soar), Tara darted out of the grave to attack her best friend. I’d like to think that Tara will finally become interesting, but I suspect she’ll just remain a whiny ball of rage.
I share Lafayette’s hopes for this season: “No vampires, no witches, no ghosts, no maenads, and no mother******g werewolves.” We didn’t get a glimpse of Chris Meloni’s much-hyped head of the Vampire Authority, but Russell’s imminent return is very promising.
What did you think of last night’s season premiere?
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