June 5th, 2012
12:25 PM ET
While watching Monday night's episode of "The Bachelorette," I imagined what the "Bachelor" franchise would have looked like if it premiered back in 1976.
For starters, Richard Dawson probably would've been tapped to participate. The game show host and actor, who died Saturday night at age 79, was TV's "Kissing Bandit" on "Family Feud," smooching all the female contestants during the show's original 1976-1985 run. I could imagine him bringing his wit and charm to the manor, adding class to a show that sorely lacks it sometimes. Thanks for the memories, Richard.
Back in today's time, "The Bachelorette" started with a big announcement from Chris Harrison, who was wearing a shirt so purple and plaid that I'm surprised he wasn't the nerdiest Prince fan on the planet.
The big news was that Emily was taking the 13 remaining contestants to Bermuda ... because nothing prepares you for parenting quite like island hopping for kicks and giggles.
Doug the realtor and charity founder had a one-on-one date with Emily, and he was so nervous that Arie the race car driver called him out on it. (This led to dopey, pointless tension between the two.)
Emily took Doug to the town of St. George for a day of sightseeing and shopping. We know by now that it doesn't take much to impress Emily - she'd get excited if Doug said he liked khaki shorts - and she was delighted by the fact that Doug founded a charity.
They went to dinner at a place that had more wine than Ben Flajnik's vineyard, and Emily asked Doug about his imperfections. His proud response was that an ex got upset at him for not washing her car. OK, then...
Emily listed her faults as being sensitive, stubborn and prone to wearing pajamas in public. So, basically she's a first-year college student short on laundry money.
After the dumbest conversation in "Bachelorette" history, Emily gave the rose to Doug, who told the camera that if Emily wanted a kiss, she'd have to let him know. This show desperately needs to give muzzles to people.
For the group date, eight contestants slipped into shorts (but maybe not Bermuda shorts) for a four-on-four sailing competition. The winners got their date with Emily while the losing four had to go back to the hotel and do nothing but talk about "The Bachelorette." (Really, would it hurt to show the guys talk about something else?)
After a race that seemed to last four hours, Team Ryan, Jef with one "f", Arie and Kalon won the date. The losing team was so upset that they refused to wear their seatbelts on the drive to the hotel. Take that, motor vehicle laws!
At the victory party, Ryan referred to Emily as his "possible trophy wife." I really don't see that comment, or the fat joke he made last week, taking him far. Emily opted to give the rose to Jef with one "f", who overcame "Kramer hair" (you could land a small plane on his head) to advance to next week.
The next date was the notorious two-on-one, where one or both of recipients could be sent home. Nate the accountant and John (who I refuse to call "Wolf") the "data destruction specialist" were the night's victims, and they went cliff diving with Emily.
Dinner was served in a cave (yes, a cave), and John and Nate appeared to reject their quinoa entree. Can one order pizza and breadsticks to a cave?
After way too much contemplating, Emily sent Nate packing, saying she doesn't see them together forever.
At the cocktail party, though, the gloves came off for some of the competitors. Ryan was caught by the cameras suggesting that he was future "Bachelor" material. He was also caught looking too much like disgraced baseball slugger Jose Canseco. Cast him for the film version of "Juiced"!
Meanwhile, Doug went to war with "Bobblehead" Chris over the latter's alleged immaturity (Chris is only 25, while Doug is in his 30s). The two have a "five o'clock shadow" summit, which quickly devolved into one possibly calling the other a "poopy head." The argument looked so strained and forced that it seemed the show tried to encourage either Chris or Doug to start a war with the other.
Before the rose ceremony, Emily chatted with Chris Harrison on how everything's been going. She mentioned that Doug and Ryan get into a lot of arguments, and added that she thought Ryan had a "manipulative" side to him. Certainly that meant she had her two eliminations in the bag, right?
Not so fast. Emily said farewell to Charlie, the man who overcame his public speaking fears during the Muppets date, and Michael, a guy with long hair I can't tell you a thing about. Every time Michael's face popped up during the rose ceremony, my wife and I wondered what his name was. I think we got to "Pete" before Chris Harrison revealed his actual name. An important rule of this show: If the viewer can't remember the competitor a month into the contest, chances are they're not going far.
Next week, Emily and the 10 remaining competitors head to London, where Emily drops the "F" bomb. This show is getting more and more desperate for a hook as the weeks go by.
What did you think of last night's "Bachelorette" episode?
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