May 29th, 2012
11:00 AM ET
This week's "Bachelorette" included two individual dates and a group outing, with the first individual date going to "Bobblehead" Chris.
The hint was that it was going to involve climbing, but Chris didn't understand the meaning of the clue. Shocking, because climbing stuff is just as much of a hallmark of this show as helicopters, swimming pools and venereal disease.
What Chris soon learned was that Emily was going to make him earn his dinner by climbing up the side of a building. What happened to Emily the "traditional" single mom? Make Chris cook a three-course meal or, better yet, challenge him to get reservations at the hottest restaurant in the city.
When the two reached the summit, Chris celebrated with a high-five, saying that he wasn't ready to kiss Emily. At dinner, they both agreed that Chris is a man, which was apparently enough for him to get a rose. I will say that I'm a little concerned about Emily's standards.
The group date saw 12 of the contestants get "grilled" by four of Emily's friends at a park, followed by the men frolicking with several children that stormed out of a minivan. I put "grilled" in quotes because the questioning consisted primarily of requests to dance and remove articles of clothing.
Again, I'm not sure what any of that had to do with parenting. As the father of a 10-month-old girl, I would love to see a group date similar to last week's "cookie date" - something that challenges the men to do actual parenting tasks. The sight of 12 men, for instance, attempting to change diapers or put together a stroller (I've done both) could be comedy gold.
Later that night, Emily and the men went to a place called "Butter" for the post-date party. (I was very disappointed with the lack of butter served at Butter, by the way.) It was here where Emily said goodbye to Tony, the lumber trader and single dad who was feeling the pressure of being away from his young son. Emily told Tony that he should go home and recover, adding that he would find that special someone down the line.
After the surprise elimination, Emily gave her next rose to Sean, a Texas insurance agent who Emily's friends were most impressed with. Emily used the word "awesome" several times to describe Sean - a habit that's bordering on Jake Pavelka levels of annoying.
Arie the race car driver landed the second individual date, and at that point wasn't worried about a rose. He may be worried about his dirty laundry being exposed by the end of the series, though, but we'll come back to that.
Emily and Arie went to Dollywood in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee. You see, Emily's a big Dolly Parton fan, and she considers Dollywood to be "the happiest place on Earth." Disney's going to have a stroke after hearing that.
The two were in a theater trying to write a love song when Dolly Parton dropped by to welcome the happy couple to her amusement park. Thanks to Emily (as well as my father-in-law for catching it), we learned the country legend's middle name - it's "Friggin."
Emily and Arie also had dinner at Dollywood, and I was horrified to learn that funnel cake was not served for dessert. But then Arie revealed that he once dated a woman with two children, a development that "Reality" Steve Carbone writes about here, along with that "dirty laundry" I mentioned earlier.
Arie then proclaimed that he's better than Brad Womack because he's ready for babies. Forget the funnel cake, make Arie carry a pink diaper bag around the amusement park!
After admitting she doesn't have many talents, Emily gave Arie a rose, and they celebrated by getting on a merry-go-round. This was the dating equivalent of two pre-teens going out on their first "grown-up" outing.
When it was cocktail party time, two of the competitors made headlines for all the wrong reasons. The first screw-up was courtesy of "helicopter guy" Kalon, who's developed quite the knack of making a horse's patoot of himself this season. Is it all an act for the show? Maybe not, at least according to this Facebook page featuring the alleged ramblings of Kalon when he attempted to make a living as a model in southern California.
On the show, Kalon protested not getting to go on any dates this week by wearing eyeglasses but refusing to put on a necktie or socks. If he was trying to look like Don Johnson, he actually gave off more of a Don Adams vibe.
And to make matters worse, he told Emily to let him finish speaking. Conversation is not his strong suit.
Still, Kalon was a choir boy compared to Alessandro, the grain merchant from Brazil who, with his messed-up hair, five o'clock shadow and ill-fitting suit, looked like Kato Kaelin's cheaper, non-union equivalent. He told Emily that being in a relationship with a single mom was a "compromise," prompting Emily to boot him off the show.
With Tony and Alessandro gone, Emily only had to eliminate one contestant at the rose ceremony. That man was Stevie, the New Jersey MC who feuded with Kalon the first two episodes but had no screen time this week. I blame the plaid shirt he wore to the cocktail party - plaid belongs on outdoor dates, not fancy shindigs.
Next week, Emily and the men leave Charlotte and head to Bermuda.
What did you think of last night's "Bachelorette" episode?
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