May 15th, 2012
12:44 PM ET
Season 8 of "The Bachelorette" premiered Monday with the promise of something different.
Emily Maynard, who thought she found true love with "Bachelor" Brad Womack last year but didn't, is ready to find a husband as well as a father figure for her young daughter. She's also ready to put on her "big girl panties," marking the first time in show history that phrase has been used.
On Monday, newly single Chris Harrison welcomed us to Charlotte, where the show's starting its journey. Before talking to Emily, Chris introduced us to some of the 25 men trying to win her heart:
Alas, none of them was Chris Harrison, nor did we see any divine figures that the woman in the above video claimed to see when she recorded one "Bachelor" episode.
Back at the mansion for Chris' pre-show chat with Emily, it's said that "this could be the night" that she'll meet her husband. Given the franchise's track record, I have my doubts that Emily's prediction will come true. Emily also told Chris that she wants a "minivan full of babies" in five years. I would not use that as a pickup line.
When it was time for Emily to meet the guys, the first suitor up was Sean, a Texas insurance agent who couldn't "wait" to talk to her. Not a great start there.
We also met David, a singer/songwriter from New York who doesn't believe in ties or buttoning up his shirt. According to his IMDB page, his favorite ice cream flavor is "Oatmeal Cookie Crunch." Sadly, he didn't mention this to Emily.
Then there was Jackson the fitness model, who got down on one knee and delivered a spiel that sounded like he was launching a new fragrance; and Joe the "field energy advise r" who looked like he really needed to go potty when he arrived.
The second limo brought us Aaron, a biology teacher who proceeded to deliver the worst science-related pickup line known to man. He could have name-dropped the periodic table, quarks or igneous rock, but he had to mention chemistry.
We were also introduced to Alessandro, a grain merchant from Brazil who now calls Minnesota home. Wonder what he thinks of lutefisk.
The third limo pulled up and Jef with one "f" was holding on to its trunk for dear life, as he arrived via skateboard. He then proceeded to toss the skateboard into the bushes. Charlotte does have anti-littering laws, Jef!
Tony the lumber trader presented Emily with a glass slipper, and why she didn't find it creepy that Tony apparently knows her shoe size is beyond me.
Lerone also arrived, and told Emily that he finds single moms attractive. This is also the point when we'll never hear from him again, which doesn't bode well for the defense's case.
The fourth limo brought out a guy dressed like Whistler's Mother. It turned out to be Randy from California, and he was dressed like a "Dance Fever" extra once he took off the grandma frock. We also met Brent, a single father of six who promised to wear a name tag, as well as John, whose friends call him "Wolf". Since I'm not his friend, I'll call him John.
Then there was Travis, an ad sales rep from Mississippi who arrived carrying a giant ostrich egg. He said the egg represented Emily and her daughter. I say it means Travis believes he's walked into a high school psychology project, and I eagerly await for the guy carrying a bag of flour.
The final limo introduced us to Alejandro, a mushroom farmer originally from Colombia. The show managed to misspell "Colombia" in the subtitles, making me wonder how long he'll last.
By that point, there were 24 suitors in the house. So where was No. 25? Just then, a helicopter arrived at the manor. The men wondered who could be in the chopper. Brad Womack? Bentley Williams? The process server handing Chris his divorce papers?
Nope, it was Kalon, who got his "obnoxious" credo back with this stunt. He then proceeded to infuriate the suitors even more when, during the cocktail party, he committed a "Bachelorette" first by refusing to give another man some Emily-time of his own!
Kalon eventually relented, but it was refreshing to see someone finally say "no" when a rival asked to cut in. Perhaps Emily should've provided the stunned suitor with a Sudoku puzzle book to bide his time while she finished her conversation.
The "First Impression" rose was back in play, and Emily opted to give the flower to Doug, a single dad from Washington state. Among those not getting that rose was Chris, a Chicago native who presented Emily with bobble-head dolls of the two of them. And you thought the egg was dorky.
When it was time for the rose ceremony, 18 suitors learned they would join Doug for another go-around. The survivors included Chris the bobble-head boy, "Mr. Helicopter" Kalon, Arie the race car driver and Jef with one "f". The six going home included "Brady Bunch" Brent, Randy the cross-dresser and "Exhibit A" Lerone.
As is tradition with the premiere episode, the show ended with a preview of what to expect this season. If you're a fan of men wearing kilts, Dolly Parton and pretty women dropping "f" bombs, then this is the season for you.
What did you think of last night's "Bachelorette" premiere?
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