February 22nd, 2012
02:22 PM ET
Schmidt was easily the star player in "New Girl" this week, but let's save his best lines for last and focus on the mess that was Nick.
Julia sent him a cactus while she was on a business trip, and to him, that meant she planned on breaking up with him. Of course. Because that's what a cactus always means.
Clearly, I was trying to understand where he was coming from with that, and wasn't quite getting it.
Because he was so paranoid about the cactus, Nick ended up drunk-dialing Julia several times and leaving a bunch of embarrassing voicemails.
When Julia finally got back from her business trip, Nick's fear came true: She wanted to end it. Not because she was trying to hint as much with the cactus, but because of Nick’s voicemails.
Meanwhile, Jess discovers a little boy in her class is being bullied, and turns to the most logical resolution: performing a song for the class called “Sad Sparrow (Imagine a World without Bullies).” (Did I not mention we're using Jess logic?)
The lyrics: “He’s a plump bird who prefers the shelter of a hole. He has a stubby beak and a nervous soul/because being chased by predators takes it toll. Let the sad sparrow fly on.” I can't be the only person who cringed with embarrassment for that poor kid.
Of course, Jess was naïve enough to think the reason the kids were recording it on their cell phones was because they liked it so much. Her excitement was shattered when Winston showed her a video that one of her students put online. Jess was a bird while another bird pooped on her head - and it was actually quite funny. Well, not to Jess.
When she learns it was a girl in her class named Brianna who made the video, she has a talk with her. Brianna tore into Jess: “How come you don’t have a boyfriend? Why did Mr. Ginsinger dump you? Is it true your boyfriend before that cheated on you? Are you barren, Ms. Day? And why is your voice so deep like a man? Your happiness seems like a mask.”
Harsh, right? I was surprised Jess didn’t burst into tears. Instead, she broke Brianna’s science fair robot after the kid walked way. Not adorkable at all.
At the science fair, Brianna’s project malfunctions, and Jess admits to sabotaging it right before Nick has an emotional breakdown in front of all the kids.
In the end, Jess doesn’t end up in trouble because the principal loves the fact that she’s now a “kid-hater” along with the rest of the faculty. For some reason, I feel like there's at least one principal somewhere in the world who's said something like that before.
And now on to Schmidt: When Cece tried to get him to have sex in the car so they wouldn’t have to sneak into the apartment, he responded with, “I can’t do any of my moves in there. I like to improvise with my body. I’m like a sexual snowflake - each night with me is a unique experience.” (I have to admit, that interaction was the first time I really laughed during the episode.)
Schmidt finds out Cece is ashamed of him when she doesn’t let him go into a party with her. That, and she also said, “I’m 100 percent ashamed of you.”
He did convince her to go to breakfast with him, and Cece explains that she doesn’t like that guys always want to show her off, which is why she doesn’t want him telling people. He gives her some “Schmidt-y” compliments, winning her over enough that she says he can tell the waitress.
Schmidt being Schmidt, he instead stands in the middle of the restaurant and announces that he’s sleeping with Cece.
This episode definitely wasn’t my favorite, despite the fact that Nick and Jess may be closer to getting together since he’s single again. I’m also wondering if Schmidt and Cece will ever turn their sex buddies relationship into a real relationship. What do you think?
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