A merry scumbag Christmas on '30 Rock'
February 10th, 2012
10:46 AM ET

A merry scumbag Christmas on '30 Rock'

In the spirit of the holiday, NBC gifted us with an hour-long Valentine’s Day episode of  "30 Rock." Everybody at TGS was looking for love in their own strange way.

Liz enjoyed a leisurely morning in bed with Criss, a tube of potato chips and a hilarious video of someone getting injured. (Love, Liz Lemon style!)

Criss convinced her to abandon her League of Women Voters Day plans and celebrate Valentine’s Day with him. But first, they needed a proper dinner table. It was time for the ultimate relationship test: IKEA.

Meanwhile, Jack was determined to finally get Avery back from North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il (who’s still alive, for now, in the "30 Rock" universe). Avery’s icy mother Diana (the always welcome Mary Steenburgen) scheduled a meeting at the United Nations and wanted Jack to come.

After the non-vampire representative from Transylvania claimed he couldn’t get through to North Korea, Diana slapped him and yelled, “this is my favorite daughter. And she is a beautiful white American!” Suddenly, Jack was smitten.

When Diana found comfort in the arms of a guy she saw fighting with a dog outside a liquor store, she and Jack finally gave into their desires….and went to the driving range to hit erotic golf balls.

Back at the office, Kenneth introduced new page Hazel to his true love: NBC. But she wasn’t as enchanted with page grunt work as Kenneth. She came to New York to “be in a reality show with other kooky dumb sluts.”

Jenna was clinging to her one true love: fame. Set to perform on “America’s Kidz Got Singing,” Jenna was feeling the heat of millions of angry fans eager to see her bomb, and her voice betrayed her.

So she called on trusty Dr. Leo Spaceman, who told her that her problem was psychosomatic. “Unfortunately, there’s no field of medicine that deals with the brain. But I can give you a pamphlet for a cult.”

Pete thought he finally figured out what was wrong with Jenna: she needed pain to perform! Fortunately, his archery skills have held up nearly 2 decades after Yakov Smirnoff moved to Missouri to live out his days in semi-obscurity. He shot Jenna and the blood leaking from her shoulder repaired her voice.

In the writers’ room, Lutz was desperate for his first good Valentine’s Day in 50 48 years. His work acquaintance Frank stepped in to explain, “we look like Farcyde drawings. So we go where women are sad, desperate and weak. Cat shelters, blood banks.”

Tracy was just as well versed in the ways of Scumbag Christmas, and declared, “after we watch ‘Fievel Goes West,’ we’re going to get you some action.”

Lutz’s love tour started at a Weight Watchers meeting, where he was dismayed to learn a Cosmo is 5 points. After a few more stops, he failed to meet a Valentine, but did find a lovely ladies’ swimsuit that flattered his figure.

At IKEA, Lutz finally spotted the perfect low hanging fruit. But it was female Lutz Liz!

“About time,” Tracy said. “The last six years has been like watching Moonlighting.”

Her encounter with Lutz was revelatory for Liz. “You want to know the reason Liz is alone? Liz! Also, I menstruate a lot.”

She went to find Criss and apologize after they got into an inevitable fight at IKEA. She rushed home to find him making mashed potatoes in martini glasses. He even made a table out of a discarded Herman Cain poster. Romance!

Hazel also found what she was looking for: Liz’s life. She had to drop off a package at Liz’s apartment, and she liked what she saw a little too much.

The episode ended with Hazel putting lipstick on Liz while she slept. I, for one, am thrilled to see that Kristen Schaal is back to doing what she does best: playing a stalker.

What was your favorite love story in last night’s episode?

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Filed under: 30 Rock • television • TV recaps

soundoff (9 Responses)
  1. Sokman

    A 30 Rock was the last thing Whitney Houston bought this morning

    February 12, 2012 at 3:06 am | Report abuse |
  2. Carl Jung

    I guess there are no posting requirements here. Someone get these kids some help!

    February 11, 2012 at 9:28 am | Report abuse |
  3. jeffrey

    Me too. The older episodes were the best.

    February 10, 2012 at 11:20 am | Report abuse |
  4. 1 + 1 = /

    I thought the show was lame.

    February 10, 2012 at 11:18 am | Report abuse |
  5. african american santa

    and some ribs. them ribs is extra good today.

    February 10, 2012 at 11:13 am | Report abuse |
  6. african american santa

    I gotses some purple drank.

    February 10, 2012 at 11:09 am | Report abuse |
  7. ?

    AA Santa, do you have any dimes and vanilla dutches in your bag?

    February 10, 2012 at 11:01 am | Report abuse |
  8. african american santa

    I was talkin to Tracey Morgan the other day and he said is African American comedians just cant compete with you white folks. You got rythm.

    February 10, 2012 at 10:57 am | Report abuse |
  9. african american santa

    You white peoples be so silly.

    February 10, 2012 at 10:54 am | Report abuse |

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