July 4th, 2011
09:32 AM ET
Editor’s note: This post contains spoilers for the July 3 episode of HBO’s "True Blood."
Last night’s episode introduced us to the season’s number one storyline as we said goodbye to the Eric we know and love. Breathe into a bag, y’all. We’ll get through the rain together.
The icy Swede’s latest real estate investment led Sookie to traipse across the cemetery to Bill’s place to air her grievances. Bill told her that she was S.O.L and alluded to Eric having friends in high places, whatever that means. He also suggested that because of the whole delicious fairy blood thing, Sookie should seek refuge at someone else’s home. I would seek it with Alcide. Just sayin’.
Sookie later discovered that Eric had taken the liberty to make himself completely at home at her place – even going so far as to build a pimped-out cubbyhole in her living room.
When Sookie pressed Bill for details on exactly how he ascended to the throne, we were treated to a road trip down to Flashback Gulch where we found out how Bill met Nan. After she watched him spare the life of a man he fed upon, Nan pegged him as the perfect spokesman for vampires. We also learned that Louis Pasteur was a vamp. Next thing you know we’ll find out that Marie Curie was a werewolf. This show never ceases to entertain.
So Bill and Nan go way back, which brings us to Queen Sophie-Anne’s gooey demise. Remember her and Bill’s "Matrix"-style showdown in the season three finale? Well she lost. Big time. Bill surprised Sophie Ann with a cadre of guards armed with wooden, silver-tipped bullets. Au revoir, m’lady. We’ll miss your petulant bitchitude and appreciation of fine ladies’ couture. Pam, it’s up to you to take the wheel.
Before Nan appointed Bill King of Louisiana, he assured her that the queen’s interest in Sookie was unfounded. Nan issued a stern warning that king or no, he would befall a fate similar to Sophie-Anne’s if he were caught lying to her.
Back in the present, we discovered that Katie from the Moon Goddess coven was actually a mole working for Bill. She told him about Marnie & Co. raising the bird from the dead. So instead of simply being a coven casually dabbling in witchcraft, they were wading into the murky waters of necromancy.
According to the all-knowing Internet, necromancers seek to commune with the spirits of the dead for personal gain. So they’re bad news or totally awesome depending on your point of view.
Bill dispatched Eric to Moon Goddess to shut it down and when he did, the witches sprang into action and Marnie began chanting in, I don’t know, Latin? It sure sounded like Latin. Before the season began, there was a lot of chatter about how season four would deal with the Inquisition. Well here you go.
Eric was stunned by the spell, which Jesus and a reluctant Lafayette took part in casting. Sookie later found him wandering down the road half-naked and unable to remember anything.
As for the rest of our motley crew, Arlene remained convinced that her infant son Mikey was the spawn of the devil. He may or may not be – and I hope he is – but until that kid hoists a cloven hoof from his Bumbo seat and causes the sky to rain blood, I’m going to remain uninterested.
Sam sought to get closer to Luna, the secret-keeping, shape-shifting Navajo sexpot. His interest in her was further piqued when she divulged that she once shifted into her late mother who died giving birth to her.
Navajo lore indicated that this ability likely made Luna not simply a shifter, but a skin-walker. Skin-walkers were witches who could shift into any animal, including humans, but they could only attain this power by killing a relative.
Meanwhile, Jessica gave into temptation after another fight with Hoyt and fed upon some random at Fangtasia. Sookie was also at the club waiting for Eric and tried to butt in, but Jessica quickly and efficiently locked it down causing my love for her to increase tenfold.
Finally, there’s the sad, sorry tale of Jason Stackhouse and the werepanthers. This storyline makes my teeth itch, perhaps because its main players – the incestuous duo of Crystal and Felton Norris – are just so darn unlikeable.
As predicted, the two were behind Jason being taken hostage in Hotshot. Why would they do this, you ask? To turn Jason into a werepanther so he could breed with Crystal to propagate the species. Ugh. Help me find a bright side here, y’all.
So what did you think about last night’s episode? Although we’re only two episodes into the season, I’d really love your thoughts on Marnie. She’s well on her way to becoming the baddest bitch in Bon Temps, no?
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