June 27th, 2011
10:45 AM ET
There’s only one word to describe the first few minutes of last night’s “True Blood” premiere: woof.
We picked up where we left off when Sookie joined hands with her fairy godmother Claudine and vanished from Bon Temps in a flash of light to parts unknown. It was an avalanche of suck from there.
Sookie reappeared in a gauzy, watercolor alt-universe furnished with leftover set pieces from a poorly funded community theater production of "Romeo and Juliet."
A party was in progress and the crowd was a mix of fairies swanning about and a bunch of hapless, fruit-eating mortals who were presumably gifted like Sookie.
Among the guests was Barry, the telepathic bellhop from season 2, and Sookie’s late grandfather, Earl Stackhouse.
Sookie quickly became suspicious of her surroundings and telepathically communicated as much to her grandpa. Everyone at the party overheard her, including the fae leader, who told Sookie that because Bill fed on her blood and breached their realm – eye roll – fairies could no longer live safely on earth. So the gathering was less of a “Yay, we’re fairies!” party and more of a “Yeah, sorry everybody, we have to kill you now. Enjoy the poisoned fruit,” harvest. Sad trombone. Farewell Barry, we hardly knew ye.
Anyhow, Sookie and Earl made a break for it, but not before she turned the fairies into Orcs and their Thomas Kinkade-inspired paradise into a barren hellscape. That’ll do, pig. That’ll do.
The Stackhouses fell through the rabbit hole to safety and reappeared in Bon Temps. Sookie’s arrival awoke both Bill and Eric, which served as a reminder that no, the premiere wouldn’t focus entirely on the godforsaken fairy plotline.
Earl died from eating the tainted fairy fruit shortly after their return and our cheesy nine-and-a-half minute nightmare finally came to an end. But it's supposed to be cheesy right? We’re not talking about "Frontline" here.
While Sookie’s journey to Fairytown-by-way-of-Middle Earth was brief, in reality she’d been missing for a little over a year. In her absence, much had changed in Bon Temps.
She returned home to discover that Jason put the house up for sale. We later found out the buyer was none other than Eric, who claimed that whereas everyone else had given up on her, he always knew she would return. Also, now that he was the owner of the house, by his logic Sookie was “his.”
As for Jason, everyone’s favorite sexy dim bulb became an official member of the Bon Temps Sheriff’s Department. One of his unwritten responsibilities was keeping an eye on Andy Bellefleur, who had developed a raging V habit.
Jason’s Good Samaritainship didn’t stop there. He launched a one-man humanitarian mission to help feed and care for the people of Hotshot after their patriarch Calvin was killed. His kindness went unrewarded, however, after he was trapped in a deep freezer, likely by either Felton or Crystal.
Jesus and Lafayette were still humming right along and Jesus finally managed to convince Lala to meet the local witch’s club (“It’s not a coven!”).
Members of the group included Holly from Merlotte’s and another young witch named Katie.
The real star of the show was Marnie, the group’s leader. Not only did she channel Eddie, the late vampire with whom Lafayette had a sex-for-V relationship, she revived her deceased pet bird to the horror of everyone in the group.
I cannot wait to see where the writers take Marnie this season. I think she may prove to be the ultimate villain.
Bill and Eric were hard at work trying to repair the tarnished image of vampires thanks to Russell’s infamous on-air diatribe. Eric taped an “I’m just like you” PSA for the American Vampire League and Bill attended a local ribbon cutting ceremony. He was such a pro at it you’d think he was a politician or something.
Funny I should mention that! Louisiana’s got a brand new vampire king y’all. The particulars of how it came to be have yet to be revealed, but the promotion resulted in a marked improvement of the décor at Chez Compton.
Elsewhere, the honeymoon was officially over for Jessica and Hoyt, who had settled into that state of cohabitational bliss known as “everything you say or do bugs the living hell out of me.”
Jessica’s wandering eye and desire for new blood attracted Pam’s attention and she promptly planted the seed in Jessica’s mind that her relationship with Hoyt was ridiculous. Never, ever change, Pammy.
On the Merlotte family front, Tommy was still ailing from when Sam shot him. He also managed to weasel his way into Maxine Fortenberry’s home as her surrogate son.
Sam, meanwhile, worked to control his feelings by attending anger management classes, which was code for meeting regularly with a group of shape shifting oenophiles. Hey man, whatever works.
I’ve saved the best for last – let’s talk about Tara! Having relocated to New Orleans and going by the name “Toni,” Tara is kicking ass – literally – in an underground MMA fight club for hot ladies. She’s also got a new gal in her life, Naomi, who is similarly hot and ass-kicky.
There you go – season 4 is underway with lots of changes for our beloved gaggle of misfit toys. What did you think of the premiere?
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