January 4th, 2011
10:44 AM ET
Last night's "Bachelor" premiere opened with host Chris Harrison letting us know that this season is already one of the most "shocking" in show history. Guess he never got that thesaurus I sent him over the holidays.
Since Brad Womack is this year's "Bachelor," let's go back to 2007, when he famously rejected both Jenni Croft and DeAnna Pappas at the end of his first season. Brad claims he was a broken man when he came home from the show, reduced to eating food out of bowls, surfing the Internet and showing off his ugly back tattoo to the world.
Now, after three years of therapy, Brad believes he has a handle on the trust and commitment issues he struggled with the first time around. He's ready to return to the show and potentially face another three years of therapy.
Let's start by taking a closer look at the 30 women "from across America" (alas, no Canadians this time) who will be chasing Brad. There's a dancing dentist who likes to talk to Ben Franklin statues in her spare time, a funeral director who appears to promise Brad a free funeral if she wins, and a professional "manscaper" who waxes hair off men for a living. We also have a woman who believes she's a vampire.
No, that last sentence wasn't written in error. The woman's name is Madison, and she has fangs. She also said that she confirmed her vampire tendencies after meeting with the "leader of the underground vampire world," presumably at a pancake house at two in the morning. Sadly, we did not learn her opinions on sunlight, wooden stakes and sleeping in coffins.
After a break, Brad and Chris had the traditional pre-game chat. Unfortunately, the two did not discuss any renovations done to the "Bachelor Pad" since Brad last lived there. Rather, Jenni Croft and DeAnna Pappas were brought out to confront Brad. Let's forget the fact that Brad apologized to at least one of them on an ABC News special not too long ago - it's apparently not an official apology unless Chris Harrison gets to witness it.
Brad apologized for "not being capable" of making a commitment in 2007, and thanked Jenni and DeAnna for helping to make him a better person. The women, looking quite bored, expressed hope that Brad will find true love the second time around, but still seemed skeptical.
Then it was time for Brad to meet the ladies, who were unaware that he’s this year's "Bachelor" until they got to the manor. The first woman to greet Brad was Chantal O., an executive assistant from Seattle who slapped him in the face, saying it was for "all the women in America." Brad appeared to enjoy the slap, which was a little disturbing.
The dancing dentist, Ashley H., asked Brad if he's ready to answer lots of questions. Honestly, it would have been a lot easier to turn the party into a news conference, as he's already apologized more times than Tiger Woods and Bill Clinton combined.
A bartender named Stacey admitted to Brad that she had no idea who he is, and we also got to meet a "musical theater performer" named Sarah who had a major secret to tell Brad: she can't snap her fingers. As expected, she got the boot at the end of the show.
Brad also chatted with Madison the vampire, who informed him that he’s “delicious.” At first, Brad thought her fangs were odd, but then he did a 180 and referred to them as "hot." Alas, we didn't get to hear her stance on cooking with garlic. We also didn't see her asking the funeral director if she could get a great deal on a casket.
At least there's a chef/food writer in the house this year – hopefully Britt could improve the current food situation, which always seems to consist solely of light appetizers. On the other hand, thanks to a woman named Alli who approached Brad in the house to ask about the size of her bottom, we also know that alcohol is once again flowing freely in the manor.
In the end, Brad gave roses to 20 of the 30 women. Madison the vampire is staying, as well as Chantal, Ashley the dancing dentist and Raichel the "manscaper."
Among those getting the boot was Renee, an Illinois nanny whose numerous efforts at getting alone time with Brad were thwarted by the other women. We also lost "J," a Seattle woman who was celebrating her birthday that day. Hope she got more letters in her first name as a gift.
Next week on "The Bachelor": more adventure, more arguments and more from the vampire.
What do you think of the premiere?
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