December 14th, 2010
12:46 PM ET
If a "Skating with the Stars" contestant fell in the woods and no one watched, does it count as an elimination? What if another contestant engaged in a feud with the judging panel and no one gave a flip? Is it scandal or ratings desperation?
Those were the question that came out of last night's edition of America's least favorite TV train wreck, which promised a night of thrills, both on the ice and off.
Last week, Brandon Mychal Smith was unable to skate due to stomach issues, forcing pro partner Keauna McLaughlin to impersonate a jilted homecoming queen throughout the show. This week, Keauna again came out by herself - the show needs to give her a bonus for all the forced humiliation - but Brandon eventually appeared, albeit sitting in a chair.
Brandon announced to whoever was watching that he's dropping out of the competition due to his stomach woes. Host Vernon Kay remarked that he hoped what's ailing Brandon wasn't as infectious as his enthusiasm, adding that the three remaining celebs were safe from elimination.
Last night's theme was "Thrill Week," with each contestant having to perform some of the "most thrilling moves" (the show's words, not mine) in figure skating. One such move was something called the "death spiral," which appeared to consist of too much spiral and not enough death.
We begin with Bethenny Frankel, who proudly noted that she'd probably "crack her head open" if something went wrong. She once again showed her flair for all-out dizziness in her routine but, alas, no blood was spilled.
Wannabe TSA agent Dick Button, now declaring himself the "Betty White of the skating world," criticized Bethenny for her "stiff" skating, then apparently encouraged her to get drunk. Anyone check his meds lately?
Johnny Weir went one step further, saying he doesn't care how Bethenny skates, since Bethenny announced last week that she doesn't care about the judges. Johnny hasn't looked that miserable since Charles Nelson Reilly died.
At this point, Vernon either lost control of the show, or gave up on his U.S. hosting future. His requests to the judges to stifle it came and went to no avail, and his face looked like he wanted to hide in his dressing room for the rest of the show.
As for Bethenny, she got 38 points out of 60 for her troubles. (I'm surprised that the judges didn't give her a "Q" and a "Zowie Plus" if they didn't care.)
Jonny Moseley was next, and he performed a routine to a-ha's "Take on Me" that featured what could be the worst a-ha cover band performing the tune. Who knew there were a-ha cover bands?
The judges complimented Jonny for paying attention to them, but Johnny Weir encouraged him to take a ballet class. Note to Mr. Weir: If you want to see Jonny in a tutu, just buy him one.
Jonny earned 54 points for his effort.
The last skater was Rebecca Budig, who Dick Button complimented for having the "nicest bottom" in the competition. Sean Young's going to be jealous when she hears about that. Dick also pledged to make "four points" about Rebecca's routine, but only got to three before being cut off by Vernon. Nice to see Vernon actually put in some effort in his hosting.
Rebecca earned 53 points for her troubles.
Next week (if the show lasts until next week), we may actually crown a winner for this mess.
Anyone still watching this show?
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