February 10th, 2010
10:29 AM ET

Jay Leno's last 'Leno Show' monologue

Last night was the end of "The Jay Leno Show," and Leno didn't go out with quite the bang his former coworker Conan O'Brien did.

As he did during the Late Night Wars of 2010, Leno ran through a few jokes right off the top addressing the disastrous situation the NBC rescheduling has caused, before moving on to other, more important things - like the Winter Olympics.

Here's a transcript:

"Where were you the last five months? That’s what I want to know.

This is our last 'Jay Leno Show,' Kev. The show was supposed to last two years. But my sentence was reduced to five months for good behavior.

We were on the air five months. It seems like just yesterday I was telling NBC, “This is not going to work.”

People say, “What has changed the most in five months?” I’d have to say Heidi Montag.

Five months! Do you realize that guys on Viagra have had erections that lasted longer than that!

Be glad you are not back East. Huge snowstorm. In fact, the roads were so slick back East even people without Toyotas are having trouble stopping.

I don’t think Washington has seen a snow-job like this since that last stimulus package.

It was so cold Nancy Pelosi had to sit in her driveway for ten minutes defrosting her eyeballs. That’s how cold.

In fact, it was so cold Sarah Palin had to cancel a speech because she didn't want to take her gloves off to read. It was that cold.

With all this snow, President Obama told all non-essential White House employees they didn't have to come in. Actually, just Joe Biden.

See everyone knows President Obama… He is probably the hippest president we have ever had. Don’t you think? Whether you agree [or] disagree with his policy… Watch how his level of hip-ness rubs off when he meets just an average businessman from Maryland. Watch when they shack hands. (Drop-in: Obama shakes hands the cool way.)

I went online last night and I watched a whole bunch of the Super Bowl commercials that I had missed. There were so many beer commercials, one after the other - beer ad, beer ad, beer ads… Then the next commercial is always one of those companies that can help you find a new job. Maybe if you weren’t drinking so much beer you wouldn’t be out looking for a new job. Ever think of that?

How about that commercial, I think it was for Dockers, with guys in their underwear singing, "I’m wearing no pants." I thought it was a new 'John Edwards for President' campaign. I was a little surprised.

How about “The Who” at halftime? Be honest, didn’t you think they were going to eat a snickers bar, and turn into a younger group? Didn’t you think that was going to happen?

Police in New Orleans issued a warning before the Saints’ victory parade. They did not want to see any exposed breasts because it would hurt the city's image. Hurt the city’s image? That is the city's image. That’s why guys go there.

Over the next two weeks we’re going to have the Winter Olympics here on NBC. They’re doing something this year that is going to add a little more excitement. All the bobsleds are made by Toyota.

Let me ask you a question about the Olympics: If an Olympic figure skater falls on the ice really hard, and gets hurt… do you put ice on it? I’m trying to understand.

Did you ever notice that adding a little music can change the whole way things are perceived? One of the most exciting Olympic events is the luge. You ever see the luge where two guys go like 90 mph…so exciting. But you add a little music and the whole feel of the thing changes. Take a look. (Drop-in: luge with romantic music playing)

Officials in Atlanta say the bad economy has caused a surge in applications by women for stripper and lap dance licenses. The last thing you need is for guys to go out and get injured getting a lap dance from some unlicensed amateurs. You hate to see that happen.

Three cities here in California now have schools that teach people how to grow and distribute marijuana. We have that already, [they're] called “colleges.”

Once again it’s time for our “beer pong shot of the week.” Take a look. (Drop-in: beer pong show…four balls into four different cups.)"


Filed under: Late Night comedy • television

soundoff (43 Responses)
  1. Joel T.

    "If a figure skater falls really hard and gets hurt do you put ice on it???"

    OMG – that is toooooooo funny – I can't stop laughing!!!

    I'm laughing because that is the WEAKEST joke ever!!!

    Ladies and Gentlemen – the Tonight show with Stephen Wright!!!

    "I had a dog once – I named him stay. Dog was confused... Sit Stay".

    "Question... If your driving at the speed of sound and you turn your radio on... Will you hear it???"

    "I once had a map of the united states... It was exact scale... 1 mile equaled 1 mile... D...N thing took for ever to fold!!!"

    Jay, maybe you should look into new writters in the coming days.
    I'd hate for Steven Wright to take over.

    February 12, 2010 at 5:16 pm | Report abuse |
  2. Pam

    Good riddance to Lame-O in primetime. Now if we can just all ignore him in late night as well maybe NBC will be forced to bring back Coco. Frankly, the CBS Letterman-Ferguson 1-2 punch is the best thing in talk showdom since the NBC Carson-Letterman era. Kimmel is getting funnier every day & Fallon is cute (The Housewives Of Late Night series was hysterical). Conan is better than Lame-O any day, time or station.

    February 12, 2010 at 3:31 am | Report abuse |
  3. todd montreal

    i am 54 yrs old and have watched them all. carson was great in his day but near the end he knew it was time to go. leno has never been close to letterman in any way as dave is not afraid to take chances as he did with giving craig ferguson his show which absolutely blows away all of the late night people. conan refreshed the tonight show and it is a shame they let that boring idiot take back a show he decided was time to leave from back. five years in advance this was set up and many peoples lives were affected by his ego just because he literally bombed at 10 o'clock. which is ironic as that is around the time when all his fans were just getting ready for bed. this has nothing to do with age it is about sensibilities .leno's fans just want humor you could get from reading the comics in the newspaper.late at night people who will be up that late want some adult and edgy humor not funny newspaper misprints. enough said dave is still on his game and kimmel is quite astute and charming i hope conan gets a show on fox and kicks his overinflated ass and ego.also kudos to dave for giving the new king of late night ferguson a show. he is refreshing and brings back the fun to 12:30 over that white bread slice of boredom fallon. just because you have a bsically talented "black band the roots" who are good does not make you funny. fallon you are the weakest link...long live ferguson thank you

    February 11, 2010 at 3:06 pm | Report abuse |
  4. headwriter

    Sooooo many opinions! Such absolute fervor! You know, we like to pretend we are a tolerant country, but there's an awful lot of prejudice and hate - and THIS is just around late-night comedians!

    Sheesh. Y'all need to lighten up. Jay will be fine and some people (NOT necessarily OLD people) think he's funny. I could type some of Conan's one-liners and you wouldn't think they were hilarious either.

    And Conan will be fine too. It was his precious ego that couldn't handle the push-back of a lousy 30 min - which they did in NY last night to cover the blizzard and do off-and-on throughout the year anyway. He's a clever guy but he shot himself down at NBC. You ConanHeads sure better support his next gig, because if he gets ratings like he had the last 7 months...you won't see much of him.

    But really, let's all try to respect differences of opinion rather than slam people for having them. I have friends who love Leno and friends who love Conan. Try it sometime.

    February 11, 2010 at 2:59 pm | Report abuse |
  5. PT

    How about “The Who” at halftime? Be honest, didn’t you think they were going to eat a snickers bar, and turn into a younger group? Didn’t you think that was going to happen?

    or....

    Let me ask you a question about the Olympics: If an Olympic figure skater falls on the ice really hard, and gets hurt… do you put ice on it? I’m trying to understand.

    ******
    Anyone and I mean anyone who thinks these two jokes are funny is simply a person I don't want to know. Jay Leno must go.

    February 11, 2010 at 12:11 pm | Report abuse |
  6. Pat in IL

    I think it's a shame that Jay didn't just retire when it was really time for him to retire. There are probably a bunch of contract restraints with NBC, but this fiasco has ruined NBC's Tonight Show and discredited Jay, who could have gone out on top, but now will be remembered badly. Conan is probably an okay guy, but his comedy style sucks. I wonder how much better off he would have been had he stayed with his writing career.

    February 11, 2010 at 10:37 am | Report abuse |
  7. Sam

    Everytime I read or hear Leno's "jokes", I think of some smarmy Vegas lounge act comedian who has to have a rimshot after everyone of his horrible punchlines. Anyone who thinks this guy is in the same area code as funny needs to be punched in the face.

    February 11, 2010 at 9:13 am | Report abuse |
  8. s

    boring

    February 11, 2010 at 8:29 am | Report abuse |
  9. niiki know how

    don't even play leno is for the old obrien is for the young and i think that it was fine the way it was for the last couple months yall might hate me but seriosly they lost a great man and all those ceo's and execs will start feeling it to bad they lost him to who kinows but that station will have a winner on their hands

    February 11, 2010 at 12:55 am | Report abuse |
  10. Sami

    Jay never should have been taken off of the Tonight Show. Not because Conan isn't funny. They are both funny in their own way. Jay was doing great as the host of the Tonight Show. Whomever it was that made that decision should have been fired. I'm sure he is still working at NBC, however. I also think that both Conan and Jay have a legitimate legal grievance against NBC and the way this fiasco was handled. The whole fiasco put Jay and Conan in a bad light and it could definitely negatively affect their careers. I like Dave, too, by the way.

    February 11, 2010 at 12:15 am | Report abuse |
  11. Morgan

    Craig Ferguson wins the day. Jay needs to be put out to pasture. I did go to a taping of Letterman last month, and it was a ton of fun... but Letterman can wear some gags out, too. I never watched Conan- not an NBC fan- so if he was good, I'm sorry I missed him!

    February 10, 2010 at 11:44 pm | Report abuse |
  12. Noah

    I don't believe it's generational. I can only guess that the people who think Leno is funny are the same low I.Q. masses who believed that there were weapons of mass destruction. Ever seen the movie Idiocracy? Its come true already.

    February 10, 2010 at 11:26 pm | Report abuse |
  13. john

    NBC executives are the real losers. Why would anyone remove the Number one guy at his time slot. Everyone knows the 10:00 p.m. time slot would fail against CSI's. They should have just left things the way they were and pay Conan the $40 million. Jimmy Fallon is okay. But Conan had a 16 year following that was destroyed.

    February 10, 2010 at 10:17 pm | Report abuse |
  14. JL

    Leno has the best monolog, Letterman the quicker off-the-cuff humor, and Conan, well, he just doesn't have much of anything. But the funniest of the late night comedians I think is Craig Ferguson.

    February 10, 2010 at 9:37 pm | Report abuse |
  15. M C

    Leno is a terrific stand up comedian. I have seen him live and he is quite talented.

    However, his interviewing skills are not so strong. You will never learn anything new or revealing or even interesting about any of his guests.

    February 10, 2010 at 7:25 pm | Report abuse |
  16. PhilMac

    Can't wait for Jay to be back at 11:30p..Coco is a real BOZO..not funny, goofy and his band and sidekick are weird at best. Letterman is just a nitwit, not nearly as funny and his humor is just odd...don't get him either. Jay is the only sensible, funny, decent person of the bunch. And Jimmy Kimmel...is such an ass.... only wishes he had talent like Jay. Couldn't believe his arrogant bit on the Jay Leno show and his mocking of Jay on his own lame show. He deserves to be booted...nothing would make me happier.

    February 10, 2010 at 7:07 pm | Report abuse |
  17. Gerry

    I am amazed that anyone could think that monologue was funny. Truly pathetic, just like the rest of the show.

    February 10, 2010 at 7:04 pm | Report abuse |
  18. Alex

    I'm not sure what people were reading when they responded that this was a great monologue. I didn't see anything that was funny on this at all. Then again, with the sole exception of a few funny headlines and weird dollar-store purchases I don't think I've found Leno funny in about 20 years. O'Brien was a breath of fresh air but people don't want originality so I hope they're happy with getting Leno back. The Tonight Show is dead as far as I'm concerned. Its last episode aired when O'Brien gave his farewell.

    February 10, 2010 at 6:08 pm | Report abuse |
  19. satan

    Great. Trap-jaw Leno is back and crappier than ever.

    February 10, 2010 at 5:00 pm | Report abuse |
  20. Tim

    Leno isn't even mediocre, he's terrible and the fact that he's bested Letterman in the ratings all these years baffles me. That Conan is out and Leno is back in is sickening.

    February 10, 2010 at 4:38 pm | Report abuse |
  21. florida river rats

    I really dig Jay Leno, but whomever his writers were for that earlier evening show...they need to go away...far away! I had commented after seeing it Jay should just have his own show... Travel about the country, kicking tires and talking cars!!! My gosh he's like Elvis making those stupid movies...life wasted! Jay kid we love ya! If they can't get good writers for you take a hike! Money isn't everything, you can bunk at our house.

    February 10, 2010 at 4:22 pm | Report abuse |
  22. tex

    Leno needs to retire. He's funny looking....but not funny....

    February 10, 2010 at 3:29 pm | Report abuse |
  23. cortezpilot

    I can't wait for Big Chin Leno starts again on The Tonight Show so that phony faced mf can fail!!!!

    February 10, 2010 at 3:24 pm | Report abuse |
  24. Nancy in Savannah, Ga.

    If you ask me, David Letterman has long overstayed his welcome. Talk about someone who isn't funny anymore? Letterman comes across as bored, bitter, and dark. Thank God, NBC chose Leno and not Dave Letterman for the Tonight Show after Johnny Carson retired. Conan should stick to comedic writing and not as a talk show host. I am sorry that more folks do not see Leno for the class act that he is. I have seen him perform live, and I can tell you that he had people of ALL ages rolling in the aisles. He is gracious to his audience and his guests. I don't see these attributes in either Letterman or O'Brien.

    February 10, 2010 at 2:34 pm | Report abuse |
  25. Uptowngirl50

    Everyone is entitled to their opinion, and variety is the spice of life. That's what makes people individuals, and not cookie-cutter type clones. I'm old enough to appreciate Leno, but you need not blow any dust off of my perceptions for me to appreciate comedians that came after him. I like to think of myself as being a well rounded individual. I feel that the best host the Tonight Show has ever had was Johnny Carson. Does that mean that after Johnny retired, the Tonight Show should of been retired as well? But Leno had taken over and for 17 years entertained a huge audience. Someone must of enjoyed tuning into Leno's show nightly, otherwise he wouldn't have lasted as long as he did. I remember watching the very first episode of Saturday Night Live, with the original cast, 'the Not Ready for Prime Time Players'. In my humble opinion, I believe that no other cast through the years can top them. However, the show has been going strong from the 70's through until the present. I still watch it. I still think it's funny. Many talented comedians careers have been launched by the SNL vehicle. I think that's a GOOD thing. And again, these yearly newcomers Must be entertaining for SNL to have lasted all these years. I just don't like what the NBC corporate 'machine', their code of ethics, and this horrible thing they've done to these two hard working comedians. I'll bet that whatever their reasonings, a great big bunch of $$$'s was priorty one.

    February 10, 2010 at 2:11 pm | Report abuse |
  26. JP

    @ Joanne – I think you meant train wreck.

    February 10, 2010 at 2:06 pm | Report abuse |
  27. captain america

    i miss conan. i got to go to a taping of his show back in 2002. it was really great and am looking forward to seeing his return to tv. My parents love jay leno, but they are about 25 years older than me and do not like conan. i dispise leno but love conan. leno makes old jokes for old people and doesnt want to push any boundaries. he originally claimed he would take the 10:30 time slot ONLY if it was ok with conan, which it was not. but didnt back down after he found out. what a jerk.

    February 10, 2010 at 1:59 pm | Report abuse |
  28. daniel

    different comedians for different generations. i think both are extremely talented, otherwise they would not be where they are at. the viewers should not forget that we're getting shafted by NBC corporate, not these guys who work hard day-in and day-out to entertain us. i hope for the best for Jay and Conan.

    February 10, 2010 at 1:32 pm | Report abuse |
  29. My O My

    I know alot of people like Jay but I only find him marginally funny. Nothing in that monologue made me laugh. Can someone please explain to me why the 'Who/Snickers' joke was funny?

    February 10, 2010 at 1:27 pm | Report abuse |
  30. CoolAid

    I believe that the person who posted this was making a comment without actually making one and that comment is,,, Seriously? This is worth another 10 yrs of air time? The Tonight Show is DEAD and Jay Leno killed it.

    February 10, 2010 at 1:27 pm | Report abuse |
  31. TonyB

    Seriously? Mid 80's Bob Hope wouldn't touch that material.

    February 10, 2010 at 1:23 pm | Report abuse |
  32. Sarah

    I watched the show last night and thought it was funny that he kept making jokes is about how the how was cancelled especially when he is getting his old job back. I also was surprised to see that he actually gets feedback that his opening monologue does nothing for the younger viewers. Jay is really out of touch, unhip, and is just not that funny.

    February 10, 2010 at 12:57 pm | Report abuse |
  33. Uptowngirl50

    I really like Conan and Jay Leno. I think they are both talented comedians in they're own right. I'd watch either of them, and do. Each has their own way and style of humor. I believe that the contract Conan signed with NBC to be the host of the Tonight Show should not be broken, but honored. The same goes for Leno's 10:00 p.m. Time slot. After all, isn't that one reason why contracts exist and are used in such situation? Isn't that what NBC wanted in the first place? Contracts are there so one of the agreeing parties can't say, "Oops! Sorry, but I think I changed my mind about this? I want to renig....." is it right or fair for Conan to be removed from the Tonight Show, even if they offered him a later slot? I think it really smells, and that smell is coming from those involved at NBC cos they are really ROTTEN...

    February 10, 2010 at 12:55 pm | Report abuse |
  34. Dawn

    YES! Thank GOD Jay is coming back!!!! Conan sucks! Conan removed any classiness that the Tonight show had left. Welcome Back Mr. Leno...you have been greatly missed!

    February 10, 2010 at 12:47 pm | Report abuse |
  35. What

    But it's not even marginally funny. This monolouge is awful. "men with viagra have had erections that last longer than that"

    Seriously? Viagra? Is this 1998?

    February 10, 2010 at 12:43 pm | Report abuse |
  36. Jennifer Shertzer

    This is just sad. This is the best monologue he can do? I'm disgusted with the fact that NBC is keeping him around. He's old!! And his jokes are only funny to old people!

    February 10, 2010 at 12:40 pm | Report abuse |
  37. Oliver Babbage

    These are nothing but old man zingers, Leno has always been so lame. Conan wasn't much better, but at least he could be a little more outside the box. Leno needs to go back to making Dorito commercials for a living like he was before he took over for Carson.

    February 10, 2010 at 12:40 pm | Report abuse |
  38. Majority of public

    Jay should just retire, Conan got screwed.

    Letterman > Conan > Pile of dog crap > Leno.

    February 10, 2010 at 12:35 pm | Report abuse |
  39. I love Sandra

    I'm disappointed that O'Brien is gone, but there's little doubt that Leno has the best monologues and this article proves it.

    February 10, 2010 at 12:18 pm | Report abuse |
  40. Tim

    Boo

    February 10, 2010 at 12:10 pm | Report abuse |
  41. Head Diva In Charge

    Well Jay, welcome back to "The Tonight Show". Maybe now they can put something good on at 10.

    February 10, 2010 at 11:28 am | Report abuse |
  42. joanne

    Cant wait till u come back Jay, I watched Conan his last week and helped up his ratings, only because everyone likes to watch a ship wreck. He probably is a really nice guy, but I'm sorry, he is NOT funny.

    February 10, 2010 at 10:57 am | Report abuse |
  43. joanne

    Cant wait till u come back Jay, I watched Conan his last week and helped up his ratings, only because everyone likes to watch a ship wreck. He probably is a really nice guy, but I'm sorry, he is NOT funny.

    February 10, 2010 at 10:56 am | Report abuse |

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