January 22nd, 2010
10:09 PM ET
Below is a transcript of "The Tonight Show" opening monologue from January 22:
Ladies and Gentleman, we have exactly one hour to steal every single item in this studio.
We’ve a had a lot of fun being here these last 7 months, but like everything in life, the fun has to come to an end a decade too early.
The terms of my settlement say that I can’t host another show for 7 months. So next week look forward to the “Andy Richter show” with his sidekick, me!
As I set off for exciting new career opportunities, I just want to make one thing clear to everyone listening out there: I will do nudity.
Now that this mess is almost behind me – I just have one last request: HBO, when you make the movie about this whole NBC late night fiasco, I’d like to be played by Academy-Award winning actress Tilda Swinton.
People have been asking me what’s going to happen to our studio after we’re gone.
There are actually a few possible uses for our studio being kicked around. I thought I’d share some of the ideas with you right now:
-Site of Tiger Woods’ 1st Annual Mistress Reunion
-Fitting room for cast of “The Biggest Loser”
-Storage facility for apology notes to NBC stockholders
-Waterpark for Max Weinberg’s illegitimate children
-Hair and chest oil storage for the “Jersey Shore” cast
-Future site of “Cooters”, the nation’s first pants less sports bar and restaurant
-Studio preserved as a nice, quiet, peaceful place where the cast of “Chuck” can be alone with their thoughts
-Magician David Blaine will attempt the impossible by trying to remain in the studio for longer than seven months
-Leave the studio cold and empty and re-name it “The World’s Largest Metaphor For NBC Programming”
-Panic room for Gary Busey after the rise of the fire hydrants
-Studio will be air-lifted to a location with better luck, like on top of a native-American burial ground
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