January 21st, 2010
12:27 PM ET

Excerpts: David Letterman's January 20 monologue

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Below are some of the Conan/Leno jokes from Wednesday's "Late Show with David Letterman," straight from the transcript:

"In southern California, it's pouring rain. It's one of those times of year in southern California when it's raining like crazy out there in Los Angeles, and there's flooding all over L.A., flooding everywhere. So I'm thinking to myself, 'Whoa, it's a good thing Conan O'Brien is getting sandbagged.' "

"Okay, here's what's going on: they've got the floods, they've got the mudslides, and, as usual, the only thing left standing is Jay Leno."

"Let me ask you this: in contractual negotiations, are you fascinated by legal detail? Listen to this: Conan O'Brien, he had 'The Tonight Show' and now he's leaving, and NBC is negotiating with him and it's that intellectual property – he can't take his signature comedy bits with him. But that's OK, Jay will take them."

"And they're saying, Conan O'Brien, bless his heart, gets $32 million to walk away from NBC, to leave NBC, and I was thinking, 'You know, when I left NBC, all I got was a restraining order.' "

"But things are starting to settle down now, and Jay, I guess, will be going back to 'The Tonight Show' at 11:35, and he's been off 'The Tonight Show' for seven, eight, nine months or something like that, so he's got to get back in shape. So he's spending an hour a day working out on the Chinmaster."

Filed under: David Letterman • Late Night comedy • television

soundoff (11 Responses)
  1. Tru-bad-or

    @miname ... Well, we all know Letterman gets the sex ... and, he
    IS a big joke!

    January 22, 2010 at 12:49 am | Report abuse |
  2. Meg

    Come on...people.....We are obsessed with two funny looking white guys making a lot of money...while the rest of the universe suffers. It is sad.

    January 21, 2010 at 6:56 pm | Report abuse |
  3. Sam

    Kirby Marie = Jay Leno

    January 21, 2010 at 4:23 pm | Report abuse |
  4. Kirby Marie

    David Letterman needs to stop with his Leno bashing already. Letterman's jokes arent even funny, and his immature and unprofessional dislike for Leno is just annoying. Don't get me wrong I like a good joke and a good comic when I see and hear one, but Letterman's antics arent funny whatsoever, Letterman needs to chill out already, enough is enough! P.S. i'm not a Leno fan, I'm not a fan of any of thses late night hosts, I just watch some of their shows when I can't sleep and whomever has the better guest is who i'll watch, but these days I wont even tune in to Letterman, because I know all he will be doing is bashing Leno, Soooooo annoying!

    January 21, 2010 at 2:46 pm | Report abuse |
  5. KarenB central Florida

    We'll never know all the real scoop (ins and outs) but on the surface it sounds like NBC made a big mistake/mess to begin with, now trying to scramble out of it – at the expense of Conan (and their own pocketbooks). I don't care for Conan, but they've jerked him around pretty good – apparently they couldn't find a way out of the deal so NBC gotta pay – he needs to keep chin up, take the $$$ to the bank and do whatever.
    I've always liked Letterman, still like Letterman, will continue to watch Letterman. His delivery can be subtle, sometimes going over the heads of those who need slapstick obvious humor or those who need explanations with it.

    January 21, 2010 at 1:57 pm | Report abuse |
  6. Chad

    Now *these* are funny...other than the Chinmaster one. That's old. The restraining order joke though, that 's a good one.

    January 21, 2010 at 1:49 pm | Report abuse |
  7. JB

    Letterman is doing what he needs to do to get ratings, and I don't blame him. These jabs at Leno have been hilarious to read or see the day after. Conan's my favorite and these past few Tonight Shows have been amazingly funny. I feel bad for Conan, but he'll be fine. I wish he would lend himself back to SNL while on hiatus.

    January 21, 2010 at 1:48 pm | Report abuse |
  8. Live From Paris

    @miname: But you can't buy a joke.

    January 21, 2010 at 1:46 pm | Report abuse |
  9. Radiok

    Brilliant. I have a feeling this time around Letterman will remain on top of the ratings. Leno's jokes are simple, elementary-level humor. There is a subtlety to Letterman that I think people truly appreciate. But i must say, I'm sad to see Conan receive this type of treatment.

    January 21, 2010 at 1:40 pm | Report abuse |
  10. miname

    @OICUR12...comedy is like sex, either you get it, or you don't.

    January 21, 2010 at 1:26 pm | Report abuse |
  11. OICUR12

    Letterman is not now, never was, nor will he ever be funny. He's just a sad, old sarcastic man. Sure, he's sorry to see Conan leave ... it's the only time his ratings were higher than the Tonight Show!!!

    January 21, 2010 at 1:10 pm | Report abuse |

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