January 21st, 2010
10:27 PM ET
Below is a transcript of "The Jay Leno Show" opening monologue from January 21st:
Thank you for coming on such a miserable, rainy day. For those of you watching at home, to give you an idea what the weather is like here, it's almost as gloomy outside NBC as it is inside NBC.
I don't think people in L.A. have seen this much water since Octomom gave birth.
You know it hailed in Los Angeles. Hail! People here thought it was raining crack! They didn't know what it is.
In fact, it has been so cold and rainy here in Los Angeles birds have stayed in their birdhouses all day just Tweeted each other. That's how bad.
In political news... the big upset. A Republican was elected to the U.S. Senate in Massachusetts – filling the seat once held by Ted Kennedy. This could "tip" that delicate balance of power in the U.S. Senate from completely incompetent back to morally corrupt. You don't know which way it's going to go.
Did you know Scott Brown posed naked for Cosmo back when he was a law student? Posed naked! Back then GOP stood for "Grand Ol Package." It was a whole different thing.
It's Thursday, January 21st, or as John Edwards calls it, Father's Day.
John Edwards has finally admitted he is the father of Reille Hunter's baby. He issued a statement. Who was that statement for? The only person who doesn't know he's the father of Reille Hunter's baby is Reille Hunter's baby. The baby is the only one who doesn't know.
That's pretty sleazy. According to Edward's former aid Andrew Young says in an upcoming interview that Edwards asked him to steal a diaper from the baby so he could do a DNA test. Apparently the test showed that both the diaper and John Edwards was full of crap.
Folks, it's time once again for "How long will it take?" You know what is going to happen. You know it's coming. The question is, "How long will it take?" (Drop-in; Guys sliding on a frozen ping pong table/last guy falls.) A couple of guys and a ping pong table. That's pretty good. That's a little shaky. Let's see what happens with the third guy... There you go.
Here is something fascinating. Researchers in Germany have discovered that monkeys can do simple math. Their brains are actually hardwired for simple math – not complex math like humans can grasp. For example, moneys could never run up a trillion dollar national debt. Moneys are smart enough to pay their bills at the end of the month and not spend more until they have money.
A number of states have set up programs for people to dispose of unused prescriptions. They're trying to discourage people from flushing drugs down the toilet, because the drugs are turning up in drinking water. I don't know what's more disturbing, the fact that drugs are ending up in our drinking water or that flushed toilets are ending up in our drinking water. I don't know which one is more disgusting.
Starbucks announced this week that they are raising their prices. Who can blame them? Have you seen the cost of hot water these days? Come on.
A new weight loss study out this week shows that the more complex the diet plan the sooner people will go off it. Do you think that has anything to do with it? How complex the plan is? Think about it. The reason they came out with these complex plans is because people couldn't follow the simple plan: "Stop Eating!"
Federal officials are now accusing two truck drivers of stealing over $200,000 worth of Red Bull energy drinks from a Naval facility in Tennessee. Police pulled them over doing 95 MPH and they were on foot.
In Chicago, an off duty policeman had his nipple bitten off by a man when he attempted to stop a fight. The police officer said he was glad the guy wasn't a dwarf.
Tiger Woods is reportedly in sex rehab down in Mississippi. they said Tiger is staying in an exclusive sex rehab clinic, in a private suite, where he gets maid service. You know who I feel sorry for at this sex clinic? The maid. Think how unattractive you must have to be when you go in for that job... "Nobody is going to hit on you. You can start tomorrow." See what I'm saying...
Sex rehab is a little different down in Mississippi. What they do there is just keep showing you scenes from "Deliverance" over and over again. That will cure you.
Just weeks away from the Olympics. NBC has been running promo after promo. Here's the latest one. These are so inspiring. (Drop-in: Olympic hockey promo/hockey player knocks other team player down.)
Is it me or are the women on "The Bachelor" starting to get a little testy. Did you see the other night? That one woman got so jealous. She just took it a little too far. Take one look. (Drop in-Bachelor helicopter ride/blonde woman shoots it down.)
Here is something historic. The Shady Lady brother in Nevada has the first legal male prostitute in America. Now ladies, if you are interested in going to the male prostitute, we have his prices for you. For $50 he will talk dirty to you. For $100 he will have sex with you... And for $200 he will listen to you! At least half the crowd liked it.
Twenty-eight years ago this week the Camcorder was invented and twenty-eight years ago today was the first guy who said, "Honey, of course I'm not going to show it to anybody. This is just for us."
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