Below is a transcript of "The Jay Leno Show" opening monologue from January 21st:
Thank you for coming on such a miserable, rainy day. For those of you watching at home, to give you an idea what the weather is like here, it's almost as gloomy outside NBC as it is inside NBC.
I don't think people in L.A. have seen this much water since Octomom gave birth.
You know it hailed in Los Angeles. Hail! People here thought it was raining crack! They didn't know what it is.
In fact, it has been so cold and rainy here in Los Angeles birds have stayed in their birdhouses all day just Tweeted each other. That's how bad.
In political news... the big upset. A Republican was elected to the U.S. Senate in Massachusetts – filling the seat once held by Ted Kennedy. This could "tip" that delicate balance of power in the U.S. Senate from completely incompetent back to morally corrupt. You don't know which way it's going to go.
Did you know Scott Brown posed naked for Cosmo back when he was a law student? Posed naked! Back then GOP stood for "Grand Ol Package." It was a whole different thing.
It's Thursday, January 21st, or as John Edwards calls it, Father's Day.
John Edwards has finally admitted he is the father of Reille Hunter's baby. He issued a statement. Who was that statement for? The only person who doesn't know he's the father of Reille Hunter's baby is Reille Hunter's baby. The baby is the only one who doesn't know.
That's pretty sleazy. According to Edward's former aid Andrew Young says in an upcoming interview that Edwards asked him to steal a diaper from the baby so he could do a DNA test. Apparently the test showed that both the diaper and John Edwards was full of crap.
Folks, it's time once again for "How long will it take?" You know what is going to happen. You know it's coming. The question is, "How long will it take?" (Drop-in; Guys sliding on a frozen ping pong table/last guy falls.) A couple of guys and a ping pong table. That's pretty good. That's a little shaky. Let's see what happens with the third guy... There you go.
Here is something fascinating. Researchers in Germany have discovered that monkeys can do simple math. Their brains are actually hardwired for simple math – not complex math like humans can grasp. For example, moneys could never run up a trillion dollar national debt. Moneys are smart enough to pay their bills at the end of the month and not spend more until they have money.
A number of states have set up programs for people to dispose of unused prescriptions. They're trying to discourage people from flushing drugs down the toilet, because the drugs are turning up in drinking water. I don't know what's more disturbing, the fact that drugs are ending up in our drinking water or that flushed toilets are ending up in our drinking water. I don't know which one is more disgusting.
Starbucks announced this week that they are raising their prices. Who can blame them? Have you seen the cost of hot water these days? Come on.
A new weight loss study out this week shows that the more complex the diet plan the sooner people will go off it. Do you think that has anything to do with it? How complex the plan is? Think about it. The reason they came out with these complex plans is because people couldn't follow the simple plan: "Stop Eating!"
Federal officials are now accusing two truck drivers of stealing over $200,000 worth of Red Bull energy drinks from a Naval facility in Tennessee. Police pulled them over doing 95 MPH and they were on foot.
In Chicago, an off duty policeman had his nipple bitten off by a man when he attempted to stop a fight. The police officer said he was glad the guy wasn't a dwarf.
Tiger Woods is reportedly in sex rehab down in Mississippi. they said Tiger is staying in an exclusive sex rehab clinic, in a private suite, where he gets maid service. You know who I feel sorry for at this sex clinic? The maid. Think how unattractive you must have to be when you go in for that job... "Nobody is going to hit on you. You can start tomorrow." See what I'm saying...
Sex rehab is a little different down in Mississippi. What they do there is just keep showing you scenes from "Deliverance" over and over again. That will cure you.
Just weeks away from the Olympics. NBC has been running promo after promo. Here's the latest one. These are so inspiring. (Drop-in: Olympic hockey promo/hockey player knocks other team player down.)
Is it me or are the women on "The Bachelor" starting to get a little testy. Did you see the other night? That one woman got so jealous. She just took it a little too far. Take one look. (Drop in-Bachelor helicopter ride/blonde woman shoots it down.)
Here is something historic. The Shady Lady brother in Nevada has the first legal male prostitute in America. Now ladies, if you are interested in going to the male prostitute, we have his prices for you. For $50 he will talk dirty to you. For $100 he will have sex with you... And for $200 he will listen to you! At least half the crowd liked it.
Twenty-eight years ago this week the Camcorder was invented and twenty-eight years ago today was the first guy who said, "Honey, of course I'm not going to show it to anybody. This is just for us."
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Hey kids we need to keep our Tempers Even and Kool!
Take it from an 81 year old who remembers the heavyweights in comedy. All kinds, from slap stick vaudeville to the quiet dig at some common experience of the day. There was Bob Hope, Groucho Marx, Jack Benny. There were others not so good and some not so bad, but all were heard and when TV came along they were watched as well. Today's crowd could not hold a candle to those. Jay Leno, David Letterman, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O'Brien, and all the others could not do comedy like Hope, Benny and others. They tried to put comedy on the Tonight Show, which was supposed to be a talk show that was somewhat funny, not comedy. They could not do it. If it were not for sex deviates and morally defunct politicians and financiers, Jay Leno and David Letterman could not have a show. Bob Hope did not need deviates of any kind to make humor. Humor was in his voice and behind his words. It came from the minds of the audience, not his repertoire of off color humor. Bob Hope took us to the threshold of our own minds and let the humor play between us. I do watch Leno and prefer him to O'Brien or Jimmy Fallon, David Letterman is second with me. O'Brien can't come close. I followed Leno to his own show and thought it would crash of its own weight in nonsense and attempts at juvenile humor. I watched O'Brien a few episodes but could not stay awake. Good! Bye O'Brien.
14Leno: You and my grandmother missed Jay alot! Maybe, if you're lucky, NBC will show repeats of "Matlock" and "Murder She Wrote" at 10 as good lead-ins for Big Jaw.
Yes, I know Jay was #1. But don't let that make you think he's talented or funny. That just means lots of people watched him. Remember..."The Pina Colada Song" was once the #1 song on the charts, and it sucked. It's the sheep syndrome.
I think Jimmy Kimmel did the best job during this whole ordeal, especially his incredible appearance on Jay's horrible show, where he ripped Jay to shreds, and Jay just let him. No defense at all. That is, of course, because Jay can't think on his feet. His writers didn't put comeback lines on cue cards for him to read, so he had nothing to say to defend himself. Sad.
These people need to get their facts straight. Leno never wanted to leave Tonight. That was Jeff Zucker's brilliant idea. Leno held the #1 spot for years. NBC didn't want to lose Leno to any other network,so they signed him to an impossible prime time spot. NBC was covering their a– in case Conan flopped. And he did. He came in third behind Letterman and Nightline. He was told before he took the stage that this 11:30 audience was different from his 12:30 juveniles. He didn't adapt and lost the show. He had the chance and just couldn't carry it. Leno has been very professional and not mean spirited as have Conan and Letterman. Letterman does't want his main competition back. He enjoyed being #1 and clobbering Conan. Big Welcome Back Jay! Can't wait – missed you!
RR3...get your facts straight. Leno SUCKED at 10. No one was watching, which meant no one watched the late news, which meant no one stuck around for the Tonight Show with Conan. All things being equal, Leno's numbers at 10 were LOWER than Conan's at 11:30. You're also ignoring the fact that Conan's ratings on the Tonight Show were HIGHER than Leno got the first full year he hosted the Tonight Show. And Conan only got 7 months?
Jay said he was going to retire. He LIED. He begged until he got the 10pm gig, and deflected his poor performance by whispering to management that Conan wasn't doing as well as he was at 11:30.
As Letterman would say, this is vintage Jay. Like how he eavesdropped on a private NBC conference call concerning the future of the Tonight Show and took notes so that he could twist the knife in Dave's back when Johnny retired. Jay Leno got where he is not because he's funny or talented. It's obvious by the garbage he called a monologue last night.
And anyone who thinks Jay Leno is funny in the least...I feel sorry for you. You probably aren't able to follow the jokes in a sitcom that doesn't have a laugh track either.
I think John Stewart is the best and then Jay Leno. Sorry, Conan makes me laugh 25% of the time.
Conan is so full of himself, it's pathetic...
NBC is to blame and not Leno, Conan never got the proper ratings, in the first place, he was fine at late night, 12:30 AM, where now Fallon is being killed by Ferguson
Letterman is very upset, and it shows, he knows Leno is going to kill him, back at 11:30 PM...
Conan has shown very poor taste and low class by attacking Leno and everyone that's in his way out, along the way building up a bill to NBC,, like the spoiled brat he is.....what a pathetic loser
People keep saying Conan should have been funnier, because if he was he wouldn't be losing his job.
I disagree....Leno should have been funnier, because if he was Conan wouldn't be losing his job.
Honestly, I don't watch late night tv but if I do, I am watching Dave. Enough said.
I always imagine his writing room is full of octogenarians. This just proves it.
Well Jay...you got your show back....now let's see if you can keep it.
This is unbearably lame. NBC should have just canceled his show and sent HIM packing instead of Conan.
Wow. Leno is terrible.
Wow-this stuff is really awful. You blew it NBC. This guy just ISN'T funny!
They got rid of Conan for this (Insert preferable expletive)?
I'm really glad Jay is going to be back on the Tonight Show, sorry Conan. I'm mad at NBC for not seeing that they had a good thing going in the first place, why'd they have to muck it up and move everyone around? I like Jay Leno, he isn't so silly and he gets along great with most of his guests. Conan wastes time with silly skits that don't interest me at all. In any case NBC hs managed to get people at least talking about the network again, but they seriously need some positive media, I don't like when "famous" people used negative stories to make themselves more popular and I don't like networks doing it either.
I like Jay Leno and believe he offered to leave... just trying to make the best of teh situation. I also work in the entertainment industry and can appreciate its uncertainty at times.
And NBC actually believe the Jay (damaged goods) Leno is going to 'fix things' Conan is gone and NBC is toast.
He is a class act and is the only one who has through the whole thing.,
Remember, he didn't ask for this, and he isn't ready to retire.
jay just gets worse and worse...just like nbc...johnny carson must be rolling over
Why doesn't he just go away.
NBC is sure they want to put him back on the tonight show?
Change the dial over to Conan Harry. Oh wait, Conan doesn't have a show, he's out spending his exit bucks.
is this for real? It's as if satirist put this together as an example of a HACK comedian. I wish the transcript include kevin ubank's comments.... "aw man that's cold jay"
Jay is hilarious! Love his humor and hope he stays on TV for many years to come!
No one is forcing you to read. Keep up the good detective work, Harry.
how is this man still on tv?!? HES NOT FUNNY!!!!!
This guy is not funny! I'm soooo going to miss Conan...
I thought the camcorder joke and the Father's Day joke were solid...but besides that it was typical murderously unfunny Leno.
I'm not trying to be a jerk, but when I read this transcript and then Conan's, baby boomers and gen x'ers have really different senses of humor.
Leno: Starbucks announced this week that they are raising their prices. Who can blame them? Have you seen the cost of hot water these days? Come on.
I don't see how this is funny. I'm seriously not trying to be ornery or anything. I just don't get it.
Conan: I’m Conan O’Brien, future Donkey Kong champion.
This is funny to me. Different generations of humor I guess.
Make him stop ! Please, someone make him stop!
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