January 21st, 2010
10:31 PM ET
Below is a transcript of "The Tonight Show" opening monologue from January 21st:
I’m Conan O’Brien, future Donkey Kong champion.
Many of you have probably heard the news. NBC and I have finally reached a separation agreement. I knew it was official this morning when NBC dropped off all my CDs and picked up its lava lamp.
As you all know by now, tomorrow is our last show here. I’d like to apologize to the guests that were scheduled for next week: President Barack Obama, the Pope, the Queen of England, and our good friend, Elvis Presley.
You know, I’ve been with NBC for a really long time. Remember the Cosby show? I was Rudy!
I thought about something today – over the years I’ve made a lot of fun of Ryan Seacrest, Larry King, Spencer Pratt, Geraldo, David Hasselhoff, Kirstie Alley and Donald Trump. And here’s the messed up thing, they all still have shows.
All kidding aside it was announced today that last night NBC and I reached an agreement and tomorrow night will be the very last “Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien.” Obviously this was not our first choice, but I’m determined to make the best of this situation. So here’s the plan. Tonight and tomorrow night we’re going to have a lot of fun on television. We have amazing guests stopping by. We have some really fun surprises planned. So tune in and let’s enjoy this...
NBC and I hammered out an agreement for wrapping up my time here as host of the Tonight Show. The general terms of the contract are all over the Internet. But there are some provisions in the contract you may not know about:
-I am prohibited from coming within 500 yards of 11:30.
-I must return the Etch-A-Sketch my contract was written on.
-I’m not allowed to make fun of NBC programming. I have to let the programming speak for itself.
-The cop who escorts me off the lot after my last show must have the rank of lieutenant or higher.
-Max Weinberg must surrender his key to the women’s locker room at the NBC gym.
-Have to watch at least one NBC show every weeknight in order to double ratings.
-Effective today, NBC will stop paying for Andy Richter’s medical marijuana, and medical Jack Daniels.
-Must stop production on my documentary expose of NBC: "Inside the 'Cock."
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