January 20th, 2010
09:21 PM ET

Transcript: Jay Leno's January 20 monologue

Below is a transcript of "The Jay Leno Show" opening monologue from January 20th:

What a rainstorm we had here in Los Angeles. You know what i love about L.A.? driving to work in the rain and seeing everybody's automatic sprinklers still going. Shows you we are so in sync with nature.

In fact, because of the rain in Barstow, all the crystal meth labs had to be moved to higher ground.

Of course, this rain couldn't have come at a worst possible time. Today was the day NBC was supposed to burn down the studio for the insurance money…

It's hard to believe that President Obama has now been in office for a year and it's incredible; he took something that was in terrible shape and brought it back from the brink of disaster. The Republican party.

You know that question "what can Brown do for you?" apparently he can stop the Democrats' health care plan.

Big upset victory, Republican Scott Brown defeated Democrat Martha Choke-ley…i mean Coakley…for Ted Kennedy's seat in Massachusetts. In fact, President Obama called Coakley and said, "Well, we can't win them all." Same things he said after the New Jersey governor's race, the Virginia governor's race, the 2016 Olympic bid, and the Copenhagen climate summit. Between all of them it's been a rough couple of weeks.

The Democrats had a number of explanations as to why they lost Ted Kennedy's seat. The White House said today that Scott Brown won because he won a cleaner campaign. Harry Reid said he won because he was a light skinned brown with no negro accent. That's what Harry Reid said.

Sarah Palin will be a VIP guest at next month's Daytona 5oo. She won't have any official role. So it'll be just like when she ran for vice president.

Jerry Sanders, the mayor of San Diego, said this week that his views on gay marriage have "evolved" over time. He said he used to be against gay marriage, but now he's in favor of it… so it sounds like somebody had a hell of a weekend!

"The Advocate", America's leading gay magazine ranks Atlanta as the gayest city in America. Right now San Francisco is going, "what do we have to do…? Hello! Please!"

More problems for new york governor David Patterson – he drove across the bridge to New Jersey, apparently he had an intimate lunch with a 34-year-old married woman and eyewitnesses say he was cuddling her and kissing her neck. I think the governor is a little confused-just because he's legally blind doesn't mean we can't see him.

New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine has signed legislation making marijuana legal. Finally, a reason to live in New Jersey.

Officials from the San Onofre nuclear reactor said the warning siren that went off yesterday was just a malfunction and no one should worry. Hey, I worry, if they can't even get the siren to work right, what the hell are they doing with the reactor?

American Airlines, this week, raised their fees for checked bags. They now say it'll cost you twenty-five dollars for them to lose your first bag and thirty-five dollars to lose every bag after that.

An organization of allergists is now warning people they may be allergic to alcohol and not even know it. They said one of the symptoms is after a night of drinking you wake up the next day with a rash. Let me tell you something. If you wake up with a rash from a night of drinking, allergies are the least of your problems. That is the least of your problems.

It's time once again for what I call "country or Maury." I'm going to show you a title and you have to guess whether it's a country music song or a Maury Povich show topic. Lets take a look. (Drop-in: "she got the ring, i got the finger.") How many think it's country? How many think it's the Maury Povich show? Lets take a look. It's country!

James Cameron is on the show tonight. He has announced plans for an "Avatar" sequel. This one will be set 126 years in the future. About the same time NBC figures out what they are going to do with late night.

Letterman has been hammering me every night. Going after me… hey Kev, you know the best way to get Letterman to ignore you? Marry him. He will not bother you. He won't look you in the eye… here we go…get the ride going.

Starbucks announced that they are now raising the prices of its more complicated drinks by as much as 33%. In fact a "venti" sized mocha is now twenty-eight hundred dollars.

Isn't that amazing? People have to pay even more at Starbucks. If only somebody could figure out how to make coffee at home for free. If only there was a machine…

Did you see "American Idol" last night? I don't know, Simon is getting testy. I know this is his last year on the show but… he seems to be eliminating people a lot sooner. Take a look. (Drop-in: Simon shoots contestant)

AT&T has a new plan where you can talk on your cell phone, send text messages, and surf the web all at the same time. In fact, it even comes with a first aid kit so you can stop the bleeding when you smash your car into a tree.

A new study just published this week shows that erectile dysfunction can increase risk of a heart attack by 40%. Yeah, that should help you get it up guys…. Knowing if you don't you're going to have a heart attack! Good to know.

A court in Scotland has ordered a 21-year-old man to stay out of public parks after he got caught having sex with a tree. You know what he was charged with -lumberjacking.


Filed under: Late Night comedy • television

soundoff (13 Responses)
  1. ningOpporg

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    – Lampy

    October 4, 2011 at 3:47 pm | Report abuse |
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    October 2, 2011 at 4:55 pm | Report abuse |
  3. Teresa

    I think the issue is who watches the news? Younger or older people. Jay Leno attracts the middle aged and older viewers, who just so happen to watch the news. Conan attracted the younger crowd who not only don't watch the news but are usually not home to watch Conan.

    NBC is the culprit who back in 04 forced Leno to retire, but would not let him go to another network. Conan basically forced NBC to retire Leno by stating if you want me to stay on NBC in 5 years I get the Tonight Show or I am going to another network. Who in their right mind would retire someone who didn't want to retire and had the number 1 ratings. I would like to see the executives at NBC leave!

    January 21, 2010 at 7:37 pm | Report abuse |
  4. Sam

    God help him. I read these jokes, and imagined Jay saying them, and it only sounded right if I imagined a cymbal crash at the punchline. These are the kind of jokes my grandpa used to tell.

    January 21, 2010 at 4:26 pm | Report abuse |
  5. geeene

    we wouldn't be writing about any of this if conan could bring in the viewers. he can't, so he's gone. conan fans are in the clear minority, just like fans of lancelot link.

    btw, who's idea was it to have a new huge tonight show stage? it's as if conan is walking out to host the oscars. king carson's studio was cozy and personal, just one aisle between seats. you can't underestimate the effect of that on the show's appeal.

    January 21, 2010 at 2:55 pm | Report abuse |
  6. rsgdbg

    I just want to know who Jay has what on... pictures? info? taped converations? It's the only motivation that I can even remotely think would create such havoc. Too bad that Leno cannot just be a gentleman about the whole thing, pick up his bags and bags and......wait for it......BAGS OF MONEY and leave the party with some dignity. You saw it here (maybe not first, but still) that Jay will fail. Whilst America has a short memory when it comes to these things (Leno has actually repeated jokes from the days of the original takeover of The Tonight Show) I think his brand has been irrevocably damaged. Should have looked to Seinfeld, Mary Tyler Moore, Bill Cosby, et al who went out on top and continue to evoke good feelings in their fan base. Go home Jay. Shame on you and NBC; the bell tolls for them and you. P.S.: To paraphrase our President when he was running for office: Let's leave the families out of it...if that is the only joke you could come up with to zing Letterman then it really is time to retire. Cheap shot.

    January 21, 2010 at 2:11 pm | Report abuse |
  7. Didn't miss Leno

    Conan was lousy up until this mess, then he stepped up his game & was terrific. Just sorry that he's going to help Fox's ratings - hope he gets a job with a better outfit. I've hated right-wing-loonie Leno for years & was delighted when he left. Looks like it's all Letterman for me here on out.

    January 21, 2010 at 1:16 pm | Report abuse |
  8. The L

    Some woman left a comment on the Conan transcript from 1/20 saying Leno's was funnier, so I came here to read it...She couldn't be more wrong. Leno is consistantly a disaster...the laughs never sound hearty...they sound like pity laughs. He is SO VERY UNFUNNY!!!!

    January 21, 2010 at 1:04 pm | Report abuse |
  9. itsme

    Must have had to see it....

    January 21, 2010 at 11:28 am | Report abuse |
  10. Chris

    As a neutral party, who enjoys aspects of both and is intrigued by this whole debacle. I think it says something when the Leno monologue is posted before the O'Brien monologue and there are only three prior posts to mine for Leno compared to scores for O'Brien. Especially when two posts are by the same person. Sorry Holly, but I think you are in the minority. Either way you look at it, NBC is obviously run by a bunch of idiots and continue to destroy what little they have left to hang their hat on. Just like being forced to listen to Chris Collinsworth on Sunday Night football. NBC is ruining everything it touches.

    January 21, 2010 at 11:26 am | Report abuse |
  11. Holly

    I really like Leno and I enjoy watching his show at 9 p.m. Central time. I get to watch him, watch the news, and get a good night's sleep. The whole thing has been a mess but I'll be glad when Conan is gone. That hack doesn't have a comedic bone in his freakish body. Leno is just better and I hope the Tonight Show survives this mess.

    January 21, 2010 at 10:48 am | Report abuse |
  12. Jessica

    Wow!! I think this is the first time Leno has been funny!

    January 20, 2010 at 10:54 pm | Report abuse |
  13. Jessica

    It is 9:38pm in NY and I already read Leno's opening monologue. Maybe another reason not to tune in?

    January 20, 2010 at 9:40 pm | Report abuse |

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