January 20th, 2010
11:17 PM ET
Below is a transcript of "The Tonight Show" opening monologue from January 20th:
Hello, I’m Conan O’Brien, sorry if I’m a little late…I had a job interview at Lady Foot Locker.
I should have known something was up when NBC sent me that 2010 calendar that only went up to January.
Over the past week, ratings for the “Tonight Show” are up by 50%. When NBC executives heard this they told me, “See, you really don’t fit in around here.”
This whole experience has been so surreal. I never thought I’d be jealous of the long, illustrious run that NBC gave “Joey.”
It’s been reported that before I agree to a final settlement with this network I want to make sure NBC takes care of my staff. At first they thought I was gullible – they said the staff would be taken to a big farm where they’d be allowed to run free forever.
On Friday, Northwestern University is holding a “Conan O’Brien Day” where a group of students will gather on campus and do the string dance. Then the football team will beat the crap out of them.
I’ve been having a hard time explaining this whole situation to my kids – because they’re still very young. So I had a doll made of myself – and now I can show my kids EXACTLY where NBC touched daddy.
Believe it or not, there are stories in the news. There was a big Senate race in Massachusetts yesterday, and the winner, Scott Brown, made a victory speech where he mentioned that his two daughters were “available.” At least this explains his campaign slogan: “Scott Brown: Creepy for Massachusetts – Creepy for America.”
Earlier this week in California, a goat somehow got into a strip club and caused $2,000 worth of damage. Then it got up on stage – and earned all that money back.
Madonna has been consulting doctors about conceiving another child at the age of 51. After examining her, the fertility doctors all say the same thing to Madonna – "What the hell happened to that thing?"
I’ve been trying to look on the bright side and make the best of a tough situation. Even though I had this job for only 7 months, in the world of entertainment, that’s actually a pretty long time In fact, I came up with a list of things in Hollywood that lasted less than 7 months:
-Kid Rock’s marriage to Pamela Anderson: 5 months
-Popularity of the “Leave Britney Alone Guy”: 4 months
-Ed Hardy T-shirts being cool, not tacky: 5.5 months
-The plot of “Lost” being vaguely comprehensible: 3 months.
-Joan Rivers’ 17th face: 6 weeks.
-Interest in Denise Richards’ side of the story: 18 hours.
-Gary Busey’s love affair with an Encino parking meter: 44 days.
-Lindsay Lohan’s first and third stints as a lesbian: 3 months & 5 months.
-The Masturbating Bear’s disappearance from the airwaves: 6 months 29 days....
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