January 19th, 2010
09:30 PM ET

Transcript: Jay Leno's January 19 monologue

Below is a transcript of "The Jay Leno Show" opening monologue from January 19th:

Thank you for coming out on such a cold, rainy day. To me this is the perfect infomercial kind of day - you dry off with a Sham Wow, wrap yourself in a Snuggie with your wife, and see if those Extenze pills really work.

There were so many rain clouds today I couldn't see the dark cloud hanging over NBC.

It was so wet Gilbert Arenas pulled a water pistol on his teammates. That's how wet.

It was so wet, for the first time ever, Senator John Edwards put on rubbers. That's the first time that has ever happened.

It looks like California is about to legalize marijuana. You thought Governor Schwarzenegger was hard to understand before! "The purple haze and things such as that." (Arnold voice)

All the major airlines have raised their fees for checking baggage. It's getting so expensive to bring bags onboard, even people who aren't terrorists are stuffing things in their underpants.

Do you really that it's just a couple of days of a year ago that Captain "Sully" Sullenberger landed his plane in the Hudson river. Remember how we all breathed a sigh of relief when we learned the pilot was a real hero and not just another drunk.

A man and woman who were on that flight... They met on that flight, they fell in love and got engaged. They only downside is when they have sex they can only do it on a waterbed. That's the only problem.

Toyota announced that they are introducing a new version of the popular Prius. They say this will be a smaller, less powerful version. Thank God for that. That's why I didn't buy the original Prius. I was intimidated by all that power.

With this new version you will be able to do all 18 holes without recharging.

Johnson & Johnson is recalling some batches of the over the counter Tylenol. Apparently some of the Tylenol was made with a chemical that was making people sick. Remember those 4 out of 5 doctors that recommend Tylenol? Turned out the 5th guy was right. Not recommending it. Always go with the 5th. I'm going to look into those 4 out of 5 moms that recommend Trident, too.

The French Health Ministry issued a warning to watch out for heroin that has been contaminated with anthrax. What is the world coming to? When you can't trust a drug dealer to sell you a clean bag of heroin. Only buy from a registered heroin dealer.

A study here at UCLS found that blaming others in the workplace is contagious. Not taking personal responsibility and blaming others at work actually becomes contagious in companies. Thank God nothing like that happens here at NBC.

Nearly 17 million people watched the "Golden Globes" Sunday night on NBC. As a result, today, NBC announced it will begin airing repeats of the "Golden Globes" five nights a week at 10 o'clock.

After the "Golden Globes" the other night this reporter Dave Price was caught flirting with Sandra Bullock. I'm so glad she won for best actress. Very excited. You don't flirt with Sandra Bullock when her husband Jesse James is around. Take a look at what happened. (Drop-in: reporter flirting. Jesse punches him.)

The very funny Chelsea Handler is here tonight. Actually she was jut here interviewing for the 11:30 spot and thought she'd drop by. So I thought that was nice.

Earlier today NBC came out with yet another announcement regarding all the controversy. Take a look. (Drop-in: Apologizes for a long list of TV flops. Liz, stop, we are only an hour show. We don't have time.

Yet another milestone in American history. The Shady Lady brother in Nevada has a 25-year-old named Markus, and he's become the first legal male prostitute in American history. Well, the first not elected to the U.S. Senate, of course.

According to the Wildlife Conservation Society, the world's least known bird was found in Afghanistan. Now don't confuse it with the most beat-up bird. That's the Arizona Cardinal. Followed by the Baltimore Raven. Actually the Philadelphia Eagles looking pretty good now.

How about Brett Favre? Pretty amazing guy, isn't he? He became the oldest quarterback to ever star and win an NFL playoff game. He's just one game away from the Super Bowl. The Super Bowl is in Miami this year. Which is perfect for Brett, because at his age he's probably going to Florida anyway. Stop off and win the Super Bowl.

Here's some shocking news. Everybody always suspects this kind of thing... This time the guy actually admitted it. The former coach of the Cleveland Cavaliers, John Lucas, admitted that his team lost games on purpose in 2003 so they could finish in last place, and draft LeBron James. He said they lost games on purpose, just to draft LeBron. Now the NBA wants to know how the Clippers wound up with the #1 draft pick. The good news: The Clippers did it the old fashioned way. They sucked.

The other night on "60 Minutes" the beautiful actress Penelope Cruz was overcome with emotion watching a ballet rehearsal in New York City. Did you see that? Take a look. (Drop in: "60 Minutes" footage... Jay is the ballet dancer.)

Some sad news, the founder of Taco Bell has passed away at the age of 86. His body will be cremated, covered in melted cheese and smothered in red-hot chipotle sauce.

I understand the funeral only costs 99 cents.

83-year-old Playboy publisher Hugh Hefner has broken up with the 20-year-old Shannon Twins... At least, the girls think he broke up with them. He may have just wandered off. They don't know.

In Beijing, China, authorities stepped in and stopped the "Mr. Gay China Pageant." You know why they stopped it; the same guy wins ever year: Mr. Hung. Every year he wins.

You know who always comes in second? Mr. Wang.


Filed under: Late Night comedy • television

soundoff (36 Responses)
  1. JRR

    For years, listening to Leno's monologues has been like nails scraping on a blackboard. He has always had a very annoying habit of pushing the punch lines down your throat–repeating them, acting like we're all stupid and don't get the joke the first time. He is terrible at delivering one-liners. So many great comics before him from Steve Allen, Jack Benny, Henny Youngman, and of course Johnny Carson let the jokes sell themselves. Leno must be very insecure–hammering the punch line more than once instead of just backing off and letting the audience absorb the punch line and laugh. He doesn't leave enough silent places in his monologue–it's constant chatter, and it gets very old after a few minutes. Some comics call it pacing–Leno really needs to work on this issue.

    Conan is better in this respect, but just turns me off at times with his silliness. Again, Carson was clearly above these "pretenders"–he could be so funny and yet so elegant! He will never be matched again, IMO. Since he left the Tonight show, I watch it so much less than I used to.

    January 20, 2010 at 7:00 pm | Report abuse |
  2. Wm Blackstone

    Two words to end this mess: Craig Ferguson

    January 20, 2010 at 4:05 pm | Report abuse |
  3. JR

    Really old fashioned jokes and format for a crowd thats no longer alive to watch.....
    He should retire gracefully....

    January 20, 2010 at 3:45 pm | Report abuse |
  4. RF

    Part of Jay's appeal is watching him flounder when he blows a joke. I love watching him pretend to get it when a smart guest (Dennis Miller, for instance) makes jokes that go straight over Jay's head. Jay is blue-collar & always has been. His humor is corny, but he tries harder. I, too, miss Johnny Carson. NONE of the other guys can come close to him.

    January 20, 2010 at 3:39 pm | Report abuse |
  5. DMH

    So, if Conan has so manny supporters, then why do the ratings on his show SUCK!!! If Jay Leno sucks, then why was his Tonight Show THE NUMBER ONE RATED SHOW IN ITS TIME SLOT. All you Conan fans are just jumping on the bandwagon. Keep your chin up Jay, I support ya.

    January 20, 2010 at 3:16 pm | Report abuse |
  6. Art Vandelay

    REALLY? This is what passes for "comedy" from Leno? This guy is the WORST thing that has ever happened to TV, let alone The Tonight Show. His success has meant the general acceptance of mediocrity in entertainment. Comedy used to mean pushing the envelope, taking risks and upsetting some people while making other laugh. This loser is about as outrageous as room-temprature water in a white plastic cup. Demographics show that his audience is made up of mostly middle-aged to elderly women, WHY IS HE STILL WORKING?!?! Hopefully when Conan gets a new show, he can destroy Leno and take his rightful spot as the King of Late Night and the voice of "our" generation. Know that we're all with you, Coco, and that we'll follow you to a new network.

    January 20, 2010 at 2:45 pm | Report abuse |
  7. Sara

    The Johnson and Johnson joke has been done so many times, nothing about Jay Leno is original.

    January 20, 2010 at 2:40 pm | Report abuse |
  8. Sal Voce

    Yet another reason to watch Ferguson...he's actually FUNNY!

    January 20, 2010 at 1:59 pm | Report abuse |
  9. Dean

    If Conan is so funny, why are his ratings half of what Leno's used to be. Conan is a poor man's Letterman. He never was ready for the promotion. He proved it.

    January 20, 2010 at 1:56 pm | Report abuse |
  10. Pam

    The late great Johnny Carson is rolling over in his grave right now.

    Brutal is all I can say!

    January 20, 2010 at 1:55 pm | Report abuse |
  11. Maureen Goldman

    Sheesh. No wonder I never watch him. So the idea is tell a bad joke & then repeat/elaborate on it in a sef-deprecating manner and that will magically make it funny........give it another chance haha?

    Jay was pretty funny waaaaaaaaaaaaay back when he'd GUEST on the Tonight Show. He lost his edge years ago. I know they all have writers but it appears that even Leno's writers have lost their edge.

    Enough already. Go donate money to Haiti – ignore me!

    January 20, 2010 at 1:45 pm | Report abuse |
  12. Roy Mabe Jr.

    I like Jay over Conan because Jay bases alot of his humor on current events , while Conan is a little off the wall for me.

    January 20, 2010 at 1:34 pm | Report abuse |
  13. Mary Gachet

    I like conan, but he's a little to gross for me at times. Way too much gutter humor., I like Jay and always will. The the nobody comments on is none of this is Jay's fault, the decision was made by JEFF ZUCKER!!! He should be F I R E D!!!!!!!!! He should not be in charge of anything at NBC!!!

    January 20, 2010 at 11:52 am | Report abuse |
  14. Christopher

    Wow - that's some pretty corny material!

    January 20, 2010 at 11:32 am | Report abuse |
  15. sara raney

    Whether you prefer Jay or Conan, the executives made the decision they did because Jay's ratings on the Tonight Show were much better than Conan's. So all of you people who are leaving ugly messages, as much as you claim to prefer Conan, you obviously weren't watching the show. Get over it.

    January 20, 2010 at 11:26 am | Report abuse |
  16. Franky, Land of Lincoln

    Is fair to say that everyone likes a nice, destructive battle, just like a movie. And since it involves two favorites, the script couldn't have been perfect. Maybe is all a plan by NBC, who knows...hmmmmm????

    I actually find both of em funny, I think they're both funny and talented, I do. But as who's better? I don't know, they just tell jokes, is not like you can measure the intensity of the joke and make a precise judgment who has more laughs than anyone. So that's when fans come in and choose their favorites. Is just a joke but I don't know, it looks like business to me.

    January 20, 2010 at 11:25 am | Report abuse |
  17. jacksays

    Didn't I hear these jokes on LAST COMIC STANDING... from one of the losers voted off...

    January 20, 2010 at 10:51 am | Report abuse |
  18. L8Nite

    This is the worst comedy writing I've ever seen. Never been a fan of Jay, and now I know why. His jokes are humorless and poorly delivered. This is just pathetic. NBC = Nothin' But Crap

    January 20, 2010 at 10:51 am | Report abuse |
  19. Jim

    Bring back Johnny Carson. Neither Leno NOR Conan are funny. Boy am I glad I go to bed BEFORE these train wrecks air!!!

    January 20, 2010 at 10:30 am | Report abuse |
  20. Lindsay

    Dear NBC,

    I'll try to make this simple for you:

    Jay Leno = Not funny.
    Conan O'Brien = Funny.

    In short, you are dumb. I think NBC is in a much worse position than before. I'll not be watching.

    January 20, 2010 at 10:25 am | Report abuse |
  21. lankanblogger

    I think its obvious that Coco fans are not going to (ever) like Leno's jokes, and Leno fans are not going to (ever) like Coco's jokes.

    I'm a Leno fan. For me Conan's jokes don't seem very funny. I assume this is a difference in taste. But note that I am from the younger generation (pretty young actually) and I'm not really a fan of Letterman's show.

    You should all stop scolding Coco and Leno, because this is showbiz. This is normal. It's unfair, but nothing can be done against a media giant (now shrinking) like NBC. NBC has earnt their large share of the blame, and subsequent loss of viewership. But I hope this saga does not provoke fans of each side to stop watching the shows in disgust.

    January 20, 2010 at 10:04 am | Report abuse |
  22. cocofan

    What the heck? Anyone ever noticed how long-winded his jokes are? Totally not funny and lacks inspiration and edge. He likes telling jokes, unfortunately, his jokes aren't very funny! Jay Leno, you have no class. Hated him back in 1992, will continue to hate him for the rest of my life!

    January 20, 2010 at 8:44 am | Report abuse |
  23. Krista

    What a lengthy tome of unfunnyness. Thank you, NBC, I won't have to struggle to decide between NBC and CBS at 11:35 anymore.

    January 20, 2010 at 8:27 am | Report abuse |
  24. Eric

    Now read Conan's monolog and try to figure out what the hell NBC is thinking!

    January 20, 2010 at 8:22 am | Report abuse |
  25. Hammond Egger

    C'mon! Are those Trident gum ads even on TV anymore?

    January 20, 2010 at 7:46 am | Report abuse |
  26. Karnac

    Wow. That's absolutely awful.

    January 20, 2010 at 6:31 am | Report abuse |
  27. TOM

    Leno's writing staff is sophmoric at best. Those are some of the worst jokes I ever read.

    January 20, 2010 at 2:14 am | Report abuse |
  28. Jon S

    "It was so wet Gilbert Arenas pulled a water pistol on his teammates"
    That makes no sense. if was something like 'It was so dry he pulled a water pistol on his teammates to cool them off" that would be A LITTLE better. I never found Leno funny at all

    January 20, 2010 at 1:37 am | Report abuse |
  29. Triumph Rules

    if you liked this monologue, Conan's will crack you up..I never laughed so much in my life! Megan Fox baby!

    January 20, 2010 at 12:04 am | Report abuse |
  30. Jessica*

    He's really not funny. The way he delivers his really lame and badly written jokes is even worse.

    *sigh*

    January 20, 2010 at 12:01 am | Report abuse |
  31. dontkilltonightshow

    they are killing the tonight show by putting jay back on. Zucker has 0 credibility. conan while being slammed will make nice bank out of this deal and move to a broadcaster that actually appreciates his bad jokes...

    January 19, 2010 at 11:19 pm | Report abuse |
  32. Sheckter

    Leno sucks, he always has, Conan should be beaten like a red-headed stepchild. Letterman 4 ever.

    January 19, 2010 at 11:05 pm | Report abuse |
  33. Jerry

    This guy is bad and has been for years.

    January 19, 2010 at 10:37 pm | Report abuse |
  34. Monty

    That was hilarious...I don't really watch TV anymore but I was cracking up the whole time. I think I prefer reading the monologue than subjecting myself to TV these days.

    January 19, 2010 at 10:34 pm | Report abuse |
  35. KJ

    Wow is right! Bad stuff. How is this guy still on air, let alone getting Conan's seat??

    January 19, 2010 at 10:15 pm | Report abuse |
  36. Rusty Shackleford

    Wow.... it's even worse when you see it typed out like that. That is some terribly unfunny stuff.

    January 19, 2010 at 9:58 pm | Report abuse |

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