January 19th, 2010
09:30 PM ET
Below is a transcript of "The Jay Leno Show" opening monologue from January 19th:
Thank you for coming out on such a cold, rainy day. To me this is the perfect infomercial kind of day - you dry off with a Sham Wow, wrap yourself in a Snuggie with your wife, and see if those Extenze pills really work.
There were so many rain clouds today I couldn't see the dark cloud hanging over NBC.
It was so wet Gilbert Arenas pulled a water pistol on his teammates. That's how wet.
It was so wet, for the first time ever, Senator John Edwards put on rubbers. That's the first time that has ever happened.
It looks like California is about to legalize marijuana. You thought Governor Schwarzenegger was hard to understand before! "The purple haze and things such as that." (Arnold voice)
All the major airlines have raised their fees for checking baggage. It's getting so expensive to bring bags onboard, even people who aren't terrorists are stuffing things in their underpants.
Do you really that it's just a couple of days of a year ago that Captain "Sully" Sullenberger landed his plane in the Hudson river. Remember how we all breathed a sigh of relief when we learned the pilot was a real hero and not just another drunk.
A man and woman who were on that flight... They met on that flight, they fell in love and got engaged. They only downside is when they have sex they can only do it on a waterbed. That's the only problem.
Toyota announced that they are introducing a new version of the popular Prius. They say this will be a smaller, less powerful version. Thank God for that. That's why I didn't buy the original Prius. I was intimidated by all that power.
With this new version you will be able to do all 18 holes without recharging.
Johnson & Johnson is recalling some batches of the over the counter Tylenol. Apparently some of the Tylenol was made with a chemical that was making people sick. Remember those 4 out of 5 doctors that recommend Tylenol? Turned out the 5th guy was right. Not recommending it. Always go with the 5th. I'm going to look into those 4 out of 5 moms that recommend Trident, too.
The French Health Ministry issued a warning to watch out for heroin that has been contaminated with anthrax. What is the world coming to? When you can't trust a drug dealer to sell you a clean bag of heroin. Only buy from a registered heroin dealer.
A study here at UCLS found that blaming others in the workplace is contagious. Not taking personal responsibility and blaming others at work actually becomes contagious in companies. Thank God nothing like that happens here at NBC.
Nearly 17 million people watched the "Golden Globes" Sunday night on NBC. As a result, today, NBC announced it will begin airing repeats of the "Golden Globes" five nights a week at 10 o'clock.
After the "Golden Globes" the other night this reporter Dave Price was caught flirting with Sandra Bullock. I'm so glad she won for best actress. Very excited. You don't flirt with Sandra Bullock when her husband Jesse James is around. Take a look at what happened. (Drop-in: reporter flirting. Jesse punches him.)
The very funny Chelsea Handler is here tonight. Actually she was jut here interviewing for the 11:30 spot and thought she'd drop by. So I thought that was nice.
Earlier today NBC came out with yet another announcement regarding all the controversy. Take a look. (Drop-in: Apologizes for a long list of TV flops. Liz, stop, we are only an hour show. We don't have time.
Yet another milestone in American history. The Shady Lady brother in Nevada has a 25-year-old named Markus, and he's become the first legal male prostitute in American history. Well, the first not elected to the U.S. Senate, of course.
According to the Wildlife Conservation Society, the world's least known bird was found in Afghanistan. Now don't confuse it with the most beat-up bird. That's the Arizona Cardinal. Followed by the Baltimore Raven. Actually the Philadelphia Eagles looking pretty good now.
How about Brett Favre? Pretty amazing guy, isn't he? He became the oldest quarterback to ever star and win an NFL playoff game. He's just one game away from the Super Bowl. The Super Bowl is in Miami this year. Which is perfect for Brett, because at his age he's probably going to Florida anyway. Stop off and win the Super Bowl.
Here's some shocking news. Everybody always suspects this kind of thing... This time the guy actually admitted it. The former coach of the Cleveland Cavaliers, John Lucas, admitted that his team lost games on purpose in 2003 so they could finish in last place, and draft LeBron James. He said they lost games on purpose, just to draft LeBron. Now the NBA wants to know how the Clippers wound up with the #1 draft pick. The good news: The Clippers did it the old fashioned way. They sucked.
The other night on "60 Minutes" the beautiful actress Penelope Cruz was overcome with emotion watching a ballet rehearsal in New York City. Did you see that? Take a look. (Drop in: "60 Minutes" footage... Jay is the ballet dancer.)
Some sad news, the founder of Taco Bell has passed away at the age of 86. His body will be cremated, covered in melted cheese and smothered in red-hot chipotle sauce.
I understand the funeral only costs 99 cents.
83-year-old Playboy publisher Hugh Hefner has broken up with the 20-year-old Shannon Twins... At least, the girls think he broke up with them. He may have just wandered off. They don't know.
In Beijing, China, authorities stepped in and stopped the "Mr. Gay China Pageant." You know why they stopped it; the same guy wins ever year: Mr. Hung. Every year he wins.
You know who always comes in second? Mr. Wang.
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