January 19th, 2010
10:35 PM ET
Below is a transcript of "The Tonight Show" opening monologue from January 19th:
Hi, I’m Conan O’Brien, and I’m just three days away from the biggest drinking binge in history.
Yesterday there were rallies for me in cities across the country, including Chicago. You can tell things are bad when even Cubs fans feel sorry for you.
It’s been a busy day for me today. I spent the afternoon at Universal Studios’ amusement park, enjoying their brand-new ride, the “Tunnel of Litigation.”
Some papers are reporting that I’m legally prohibited from saying anything bad about NBC. For example – I am NOT allowed to say things like: “NBC is headed downhill faster than a fat guy chasing a runaway cheese-wheel.”
Some papers are reporting that I’m legally prohibited from saying anything bad about NBC. But nobody said anything about speaking in Spanish. “NBC esta manejado por hijos de cabras imbeciles que comen dinero y evacuan problemas.” (NBC is run by brainless sons of goats who eat money and crap trouble.”)
Some other stories in the press are saying that in the future I may not be able to retain what is known as my show’s “intellectual property.” Isn’t it great to live in a country where a cigar-smoking dog puppet and a bear that masturbates are considered “intellectual property?"
I have to say, all of our problems with NBC really did sneak up on us quite suddenly. But I should have seen this coming. During the few months we’ve been doing this show, there were definitely things that should have tipped me off. I’ll give you an example, check this out. (cut to: applause sign) There’s our applause sign…(applause sign blinks) but look at the sign below it…(camera pans up to reveal sign that reads, “humor him for 7 months”)
Of course, there are other entertainment stories in the news. Some people who have gone to see “Avatar” say it’s caused them to have headaches, dizziness, nausea and blurry eyesight. Meanwhile James Cameron says it’s caused him to have a billion dollars.
Interesting local story. A new $65 tour called the “LA Gang Tour” is being offered in Los Angeles that takes tourists through L.A.’s most dangerous neighborhoods. The gang tour is also known by its other name, “A cab ride from the airport.”
Earlier this week, the founder of Taco Bell passed away at the age of 86. His tombstone will read: “Father. Husband. Inventor of Diarrhea.”
I’ve been thinking a lot about what I’m going to do with all my new free time. Here are my plans so far for next week. Check it out:
-Introduce myself to my children.
-Connect all my freckles with a Sharpie.
-Play Beatles Rock Band until I reach “Level Yoko.”
-Make a cameo appearance on “Gossip Girl” as Blaine Wilcox, a mysterious albino playboy.
-Legally change my name to “No-Show Jones.”
-Finally make good on my plan to backpack through India with "The Situation."
-Return La Bamba to the kindly old carpenter who made him.
-Have my “TONIGHT SHOW FOREVER” tattoo changed to “OH, SHOW OVER?”
-Make a big move to Fox. Megan Fox.
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