January 15th, 2010
09:44 AM ET

Transcript: "The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien" monologue, 1/14/2010

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At this point, it doesn’t look like the NBC jokes will ever cease. Conan O’Brien served up another helping in his opening monologue for “The Tonight Show.”

"Hi, I’m Conan O’Brien, NBC’s 'Employee of the Month.'

There’s a rumor that NBC is so upset with me, they want to keep me off the air for 3 years. My response to that is, if NBC doesn’t want people to see me, just leave me on NBC.

Time sure does fly. Do you realize that a baby born on the day we did our first “Tonight Show” is now a slightly larger baby?

This is absolutely true—I received a letter from the adult film company “Pink Visual” offering me a role in one of their porno movies. In the movie I’d be having sex with a beautiful woman and just as we’re about to climax I get replaced by Jay Leno.

No matter what happens, it’s been a real honor to sit in the same chair as Steve Allen, Jack Paar, Johnny Carson, Jay Leno, and Jay Leno.

Last night the CEO of Chrysler was giving a speech at the International Auto Show and people in the crowd started heckling him. He got so angry, he walked out, got right in his car and stalled.

It’s been reported that an 8-year-old boy from New Jersey is on the government’s Airport Watch List because he has the same name as a possible terrorist. So it’s been a bad week for little Skippy Bin Laden.

There’s talk of casting Amy Winehouse as Dorothy in a musical version of the 'Wizard of Oz.' In the Winehouse version of 'the Wizard of Oz' the house starts spinning before the tornado hits.

In Sweden, a group attending a Weight Watchers meeting were lined up for a weigh-in when the floor collapsed. Police at the scene are describing the accident as 'hilarious.' "

soundoff (5 Responses)
  1. Ex-GE manager

    The monologues are all lame now, conan was terrible prior to his promotion. Craig Ferguseon has much better monologues. As for Conan on SNL, his departure would imporove the quality of both the Tonight show and snl, which does not say much for either. I have been to the Tonight Show 15 times, jay was very nice, and incredibly funny. Please bring back Jay or kill the Tonight Show.

    January 16, 2010 at 4:15 am | Report abuse |
  2. Brandunski Argyle

    Conan you are The Man! My father, a fair skinned chap who oft doft sun screen that ranked SP 10000 (like yourself I am sure) once expounded, "When the ones who make the rules, break the rules they hath made, then it is our duty to deliver them a jaw realigning – Whether it be literal or figurative." You see my father was a pugilistic poet who would have loved listening to your banter and plight if not for matters that make impossible for him to do so now (of which I will not touch on here). GOOD FORM SIR!!!

    January 15, 2010 at 2:50 pm | Report abuse |
  3. Skippy Bin Laden

    Stay strong Conan! ! !

    January 15, 2010 at 2:15 pm | Report abuse |
  4. Jenny

    Conan should be on Saturday Night Live. They need him

    January 15, 2010 at 1:47 pm | Report abuse |
  5. Byrd

    Conan should take Simon's job on "Idol"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    January 15, 2010 at 11:04 am | Report abuse |

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